Monday, January 12, 2009
Several months ago, I had to make a really hard decision to eliminate someone who had once been a close friend from my world. I just couldn’t bear to watch her continue to make choices that I believed then, and actually, still do believe, would lead to her demise. We’d been friends for, oh, somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 years by that time. We’d been through multiple major events, including an accident that could have claimed her life or left her paralyzed or crippled, and several years later, the deaths of our mothers within a year of each other. The last time I actually spoke to her was in October of 2007, and at that time I learned that she’d lied to me, and possibly to the courts. She was, I suspect, intoxicated at the time of our conversation. I knew then that I would have to put some distance between us, because despite the warnings that I am certain were sent by whatever higher power anyone chooses to believe in, she continued to engage in self destructive behaviors, as well as maintain a relationship with a passive-aggressive jerk. I reached a point that I was just plain tired of watching people I love die. Periodically, I would get some silly email forward from her, but rarely did I get anything substantial from her, until June of 2008, when she emailed to say she was going to marry the jerk. I couldn’t even answer that email, because I’d told her until I was tired of repeating myself that I don’t like him, I don’t want to be around him, and I believe that they are bad for each other. And how do you tell someone you once considered one of your best friends that, well, you want her to be happy but you won’t be celebrating the marriage. At some point after that, she lost her job. I don’t know the story there, other than the company didn’t want her to leave when she moved to Austin, and was eager to hire her back when she moved back from Austin. In the ensuing months, I grieved over the loss of the friendship, and I grieved for the fact that I might never know what happened to her. It broke my heart, and it still pains me, though I know that I’m not the person that she knew the last time we saw each other (September ’07). I am stronger, more self assured, and in general, in a better place. Imagine my surprise this afternoon when I opened my email and found a message from her. It was a bit of a nutshell sort of thing, with no real answers or explanations. Sure, it started with “sorry I couldn’t get in touch with you sooner.” And ended with “if you life isn’t too hectic I’d love to hear from you.” In between there was also an “I wish I could talk to you” in the middle somewhere. I’m torn, between shooting her an email telling her exactly what I think about the way she treated me, ignoring her, and coming up with something in between. I will probably wind up emailing her, but telling her that there is just too much water under the bridge to pick up where we left off. I just don’t trust her anymore. I’d like to have my friend back, but not if it’s the friend that got lost. The one I want back is the one that I had, oh, 7 years or so back, not the one that came back to FW from Austin. *sigh* I just can’t make those sorts of decisions quickly. My health and well-being are paramount to me, and emotionally, that has meant not having her in my world for awhile. I don’t know if I’m quite ready to have her back in it. I’m going to sleep on it for a few days and maybe make a decision over the weekend.