Saturday, May 30, 2009

That's what I get for thinking

I truly thought that by now I might be having an easier time dealing with what I've come to see as rejection, though I know it's not. The end of faire is always hard for me, but this year it seems that it's been about a thousand times worse. Part of the problem is my unemployment, I know. The bigger part of the problem is that I'm sort of relieved that faire is over, which has never happened to me before, and that little bit I blame on my own stupidity. This time last year, I was a bit bummed, but not truly depressed. I had a great circle of friends that I truly enjoy hanging out with and things seemed to be moving along smoothly. Then came the end of July, and I just HAD to listen to people that I probably should have not listened to. I let myself be talked into putting my heart on the line and opening it back up. That in itself is not a bad thing. The bad part is that the one I opened it up to was not ready to reciprocate, but being the idiot that I am, I ignored his words and some of his actions, and instead focused on other actions, and what I and other people (mis)interpreted those actions to mean. Yeah, all along, my brain would say "HEY STUPID! GIVE IT UP, IT AIN'T HAPPENING BECAUSE YOU AREN'T WORTH IT" and my heart would argue "But, maybe you are worth it. There's nobody else in the picture, go for it. He's not running away". Being the Libra that I am, I listened to my heart instead of my head, and now here I sit, lonely and miserable. And that pisses me the hell off. It pisses me off at me, at him, at everyone who said what they thought I wanted to hear "oh, he likes you, he's just scared." I was FINE with who I am, on my own, and really had reached a point that not having that special someone in my life who thinks I'm awesome and wants to be with me no longer consumed my every thought. I suppose that part of the reason I was ok with it is that I had closed my heart off. I've lost relationships before, and sure I was sad for awhile, but never did it make me sick, literally. All I can do is take it one day at a time, and try to work my way through it, despite the heartache. I'm not the center of anyone's world except mine, and I understand that. I suppose that I just need decide that it's ok that I don't talk to people when I expect to, and that it's not anything that I've done wrong, or that is wrong with me, no matter what my brain says. In other news, have you ever noticed random things in someone's basket at the store and wondered just what the hell they are planning to do with that? This afternoon I stopped to get some ground meat and buns so I could make burgers. The woman behind me had 10 items in her basket... 6 packs of Juicy Fruit gum (and she had to go to 2 different check stands to collect those 6 packs) and 4 cans of women's shaving foam or gel. Not one other item. Maybe there's going to be a gumchewing, leg-shaving party at her house???

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Yeah, I'm in a funk, again. It happens every year when faire comes to an end. This year, however, it's been a little harder. Overall, it was a rough season for me, and I'm still working through my feelings about what caused the rough patches. Actually, this evening, I thought I had found a bright spot, but, well, of course as soon as I started to think it might be something good, that rug got yanked. Again. I did learn, also, that it's better for me not to have company for closing weekend. I tend to forget that I seriously need my downtime during the weekend, and the following few days, and I can't do that when I'm having to share my space with company. When faire ends, I really need a few days of nobody in the house except me and the cats, otherwise I get very cranky and negative. There are a handful of people in my world who are ALWAYS negative, and that constant negativity drives me up a wall. That's part of the reason that I hate when I get into these negative cycles. It really bothers me that I am inflicting upon my friends (who I know are just going to love me through it anyway), the very thing that makes me berserk about other people. Effective Sunday, I have no health insurance, so tomorrow's task is to find out whether or not my prescriptions, which are, fortunately, generics, are on any of the local pharmacies' $4/month list or something, so I can continue to take them. On the upside of the past couple of days is the fact that I got my Unemployment Benefit Decision, and I'll collect enough that I'm not going to be homeless, carless, or without utilities, at least for a few months if I don't find something quickly. It's going to mean tightening my belt on some things, and it may drain my savings a bit, but I won't be on the street or anything. Now I'll try to get some sleep, in my quiet house.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Once Again

When I think things are just bopping along fine, someone or something comes along and yanks the rug out from under me. Yesterday, I was fired from my job, with no warning whatsoever. I didn't know that there was a problem with my performance until they told me that they were firing me. It totally pisses me off because I liked that job, and generally I like the people I was working with, but apparently I had a false sense of security. So now I have to get my resume back together. The last time I had to send out resumes my desktop was still working. It has since gotten the blue screen of death, and I'm on my 3rd laptop (first was a gift of an ancient, barely working unit; 2nd was killed by water spillage a few weeks ago). On the upside, I am going to spend this week getting pictures edited from Scarby this season, sorting out my itunes, and finding all the stuff I transferred from the previous laptop and still haven't had time to find and reorganize on this one. Also on the upside, I don't have to take vacation time to leave early friday for faire, and go back down to the site on Tuesday to pick up my cooler, etc. I also have a friend flying in early Thursday afternoon, so now I don't have to leave work early that day, either.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Week 7

Another weekend at faire has come to a close. Yesterday's light but steady rain made for lots of ponds about the shire, slick paths, bogs, and a fairly thin crowd. Today, however, dawned cool (literally, I think it was in the upper 50s when we got out to the site this morning), especially for mid-may. By noon traffic was backed up on the highway for miles, and when I left to head home, all of the rows had been parked as far up as they could possibly be parked. Several vendors said they were having better days than we have recently. That's awesome! I'm hoping that SOMEONE got pics of me, because I sure didn't manage to get anyone to take any, in my new festive pirate outfit, with my feathered hat of awesomeness. On the down side, I kind of thought that I would be better prepared to be seeing some of the people I'm going to see next weekend, but considering the minor meltdown I had on the way home, I'm thinkin' Sunday's gonna be hard.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Yeah, it's been awhile since I managed to get a decent post up. A lot has happened of late. Thursday night, some dork (gee, I wonder who that might be?) bumped into the tv tray table that had my laptop AND a half a glass of water on it. *sigh* even though I had plans for a new laptop in the next several months or so, I was NOT planning on it right now, especially since this week I have to pay my deductible to get my freshly repaired Escape out of hock at the body shop. In the end, I have a shiny new laptop for less money than what I spent on the other one, and with more memory and a faster processor. I was terribly distraught at the idea that I could lose thousands of photos, and have to totally reload all of my Itunes music (somewhere around 2500 songs). My Ipod decided over the weekend that 3 of the tunes that are on my "totally zone me out and calm me down" playlist (it's actually just 1 cd) were no longer worth having at normal speed, and therefore they were put on SPEED. Now I need to resync my Ipod too. GREAT! When I got home from faire on Sunday evening, I tried turning on the original laptop, to discover that it powers itself right back off again. Ok, sure, I'll let it dry out some more. Last night, I discovered that it would power up, but only stays on as long as it's plugged in, and the battery doesn't charge up at all. In my search for my Ipod cord, I did come across an EZ Transfer cable. SCORE! I powered up both units, connected them via the cable, and transferred everything from one laptop to the other. At least I hope I transferred everything. Of course it all transferred into random places, so it will probably take me weeks to figure out where everything is, and I'll spend hours populating my Itunes Library and getting my playlists set back up, but at least hopefully I didn't lose anything... Last night I picked up my car, YAY! I may have mentioned that I HATE that Prius. Sure, I'm all for being environmentally conscious and reducing my carbon footprint, however I HATE driving cars that are low to the ground. I've been driving trucks/vans/small SUVs for about 10 years now, and I literally felt like I was getting road rash on my ass! I don't drive a gas hog, I average about 20 mpg in my Escape, and since I'm not about to go back into a compact car, that's about the best I can expect in whatever I'm going to drive. I have to give kudos to Craig's Collision for getting my car done and back to me in 13 working days, rather than the 21 that my insurance adjuster estimated. I was a bit concerned about that because it meant I would need to turn in my rental early or over a weekend or two so that I wouldn't run over my allowed days (30 calendar days). The car looks great, everything matches, and the front is all shiny with it's fresh coat of paint.