Saturday, May 30, 2009

That's what I get for thinking

I truly thought that by now I might be having an easier time dealing with what I've come to see as rejection, though I know it's not. The end of faire is always hard for me, but this year it seems that it's been about a thousand times worse. Part of the problem is my unemployment, I know. The bigger part of the problem is that I'm sort of relieved that faire is over, which has never happened to me before, and that little bit I blame on my own stupidity. This time last year, I was a bit bummed, but not truly depressed. I had a great circle of friends that I truly enjoy hanging out with and things seemed to be moving along smoothly. Then came the end of July, and I just HAD to listen to people that I probably should have not listened to. I let myself be talked into putting my heart on the line and opening it back up. That in itself is not a bad thing. The bad part is that the one I opened it up to was not ready to reciprocate, but being the idiot that I am, I ignored his words and some of his actions, and instead focused on other actions, and what I and other people (mis)interpreted those actions to mean. Yeah, all along, my brain would say "HEY STUPID! GIVE IT UP, IT AIN'T HAPPENING BECAUSE YOU AREN'T WORTH IT" and my heart would argue "But, maybe you are worth it. There's nobody else in the picture, go for it. He's not running away". Being the Libra that I am, I listened to my heart instead of my head, and now here I sit, lonely and miserable. And that pisses me the hell off. It pisses me off at me, at him, at everyone who said what they thought I wanted to hear "oh, he likes you, he's just scared." I was FINE with who I am, on my own, and really had reached a point that not having that special someone in my life who thinks I'm awesome and wants to be with me no longer consumed my every thought. I suppose that part of the reason I was ok with it is that I had closed my heart off. I've lost relationships before, and sure I was sad for awhile, but never did it make me sick, literally. All I can do is take it one day at a time, and try to work my way through it, despite the heartache. I'm not the center of anyone's world except mine, and I understand that. I suppose that I just need decide that it's ok that I don't talk to people when I expect to, and that it's not anything that I've done wrong, or that is wrong with me, no matter what my brain says. In other news, have you ever noticed random things in someone's basket at the store and wondered just what the hell they are planning to do with that? This afternoon I stopped to get some ground meat and buns so I could make burgers. The woman behind me had 10 items in her basket... 6 packs of Juicy Fruit gum (and she had to go to 2 different check stands to collect those 6 packs) and 4 cans of women's shaving foam or gel. Not one other item. Maybe there's going to be a gumchewing, leg-shaving party at her house???

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