Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I GIVE UP
GREAT! I spent 1/2 hour typing and venting and getting some stuff out, and then it all fucking vanishes! I thought I was ready to go to dinner tonite, but I was wrong. I just can’t go and act like nothing is amiss. I’ve returned what wasn’t mine, done what I said I would do, and now I can take a breather, maybe. It makes me sick that I allowed myself to get sucked in repeatedly into believing what I wanted to believe was true, when it obviously wasn’t. I spent a lot of years learning to love myself and be happy and content with the person I’ve become, as well as coming to believe that I am a good and lovable person, worthy of loving and being loved by a special man. I’m not perfect. I’m not looking for perfect. I wasn’t even looking at all, actually when it happened, and I allowed myself to be convinced that what I wanted to see was what was real. Apparently I’m the only person it was real to, because when my “friend” was told that something had hurt me, deeply, and left me with a broken heart, said friend appears to not give a shit about how I’m feeling, and doesn’t particularly care about helping me find my way out of the hole in which I find myself. Sure, I said I thought I needed some time and space to fall back out of love, and I was told that I would have it, and then I made the first move to re-open some communication. I’ve learned that I’m not ready to do that. Especially since the communication is stilted and uncomfortable for the most part, and it totally ignores the problem. All I want is to love and be loved, and share my life with a good man, but apparently I don’t get to do that. I’ll just go into my hole now.