I GIVE UP

GREAT! I spent 1/2 hour typing and venting and getting some stuff out, and then it all fucking vanishes! I thought I was ready to go to dinner tonite, but I was wrong. I just can’t go and act like nothing is amiss. I’ve returned what wasn’t mine, done what I said I would do, and now I can take a breather, maybe. It makes me sick that I allowed myself to get sucked in repeatedly into believing what I wanted to believe was true, when it obviously wasn’t. I spent a lot of years learning to love myself and be happy and content with the person I’ve become, as well as coming to believe that I am a good and lovable person, worthy of loving and being loved by a special man. I’m not perfect. I’m not looking for perfect. I wasn’t even looking at all, actually when it happened, and I allowed myself to be convinced that what I wanted to see was what was real. Apparently I’m the only person it was real to, because when my “friend” was told that something had hurt me, deeply, and left me with a broken heart, said friend appears to not give a shit about how I’m feeling, and doesn’t particularly care about helping me find my way out of the hole in which I find myself. Sure, I said I thought I needed some time and space to fall back out of love, and I was told that I would have it, and then I made the first move to re-open some communication. I’ve learned that I’m not ready to do that. Especially since the communication is stilted and uncomfortable for the most part, and it totally ignores the problem. All I want is to love and be loved, and share my life with a good man, but apparently I don’t get to do that. I’ll just go into my hole now.

OK, so my pity party isn’t over. I can only hope that once the next couple of weeks are done, some of this craziness in my head & body will go away, once my surgery is done. Sigh. I HATE people who whine and moan all the time about how awful their life is, yet I seem to be becoming one of those people. I seem to have become very negative here lately, and I suspect it’s causing me to push people away, that I really don’t want to push away. Maybe I’m not even pushing, maybe they are just deciding that it’s better to avoid me, I don’t really know. I’m not sure how to ask either. This weekend I have plans to go to Galveston for Dickens on the Strand, and I’ll put on my happy face and get through that, hopefully without too many questions that are going to send me back into this dark place I seem to have found myself in. I’ll be spending time with people who bring great fun and joy into my world, and hopefully that will help. If not, well, at least I’ve done my part to help with the recovery from Ike, right? Off to bed, as my meds are kicking in.