Wednesday, April 15, 2009

This is not a pretty post

For a great many years, I was absolutely terrified that I would be alone for the rest of my life and that I would never find my life partner. Eventually I reached the point that I was just dandy on my own. That I could be alone without being lonely. Sure there was an empty space in my heart, but I no longer focused on it, and it didn't worry me. A little over a year ago, just as Faire was starting, my circle of friends expanded. This past year has been amazing for me. There have been ups and downs, but overall it's been an awesomely good year. As time went by, what I thought was a mutual interest in a closer friendship and more developed. I did finally work up the nerve to act on it, and while the rejection was as gentle as it could have been, it stung a bit. No worries, I understand the logic an the reasoning at the time. Off and on for the next several months, I thought I was seeing some romantic interest developing, and I would periodically do something stupid, like kiss him when he wasn't expecting it, or try to get him to spend some time alone with me, usually to no avail. I always wound up kicking myself for doing it, because inevitably there was a small rift that was caused, either by his discomfort at me making a move on him, or my brain kicking my ass telling me how stupid I am for trying it because I'm just the plain fat girl that no really good guy is going to want to be alone with anyway. Now, all along, my biggest fear has been that I would completely screw up the whole friendship, and create an uncomfortable situation for not just me, or him and me, or even him, me, and a couple that is comprised of on of his best friends and one of my best friends, but also another 10 or so people that care an awful lot about both of us. Knowing that that would be a horrible thing to have happen, I tried very hard to keep my heart in check and let my head stay in control. Over time, my heart began to win the argument much more often than my brain did... somehow, when i wasn't looking, a piece that seems to fill that empty spot quite well became wedged in there. Oh, I tried not to let it happen, because I didn't want to risk being hurt, or hurting him, or any of our friends. Yeah, that didn't work out so well, and before I knew it, I was head over heels in love. A love that completes me, and makes me feel whole and secure, beautiful and wanted. It wasn't any one thing in particular, or even a specific group of things. He is my first thought in the morning, and my last thought at night, and crosses my mind a thousand times a day, whether we are near each other, or half a continent apart. He makes me smile virtually every day. Everyday things make me think of him, a commercial on the radio, a picture of a white fluffy cat, a random word or phrase. We both suck at face to face, real, verbal communication, and most of our meaningful conversations are either instant messages, texts, or emails. I have a huge fear of rejection, and I have always hated for anyone to see me crying, so I admit to being a chickenshit about demanding answers. I have no idea why he is so averse to having conversations with each other when no one else is around. This past weekend was the one weekend that we would be at faire at the same time without one or the other of us having someone in from out of town to go with us. In retrospect, my expectations and hopes were probably unreasonable, and I know that they were not communicated as well as they should have been, for which I have to accept the blame, however it was a HUGELY disappointing day. I would venture so far as to say it was the worst day I have ever had at faire. Even my favorite musicians didn't salve my aching heart. I had anticipated plenty of time on walkabout with him, exploring the site, and finding the new shoppes in the village and seeing what had been moved around. Now, I knew that we would not be on our own for the whole day, as we have a large group of friends that is in the village most days, but I certainly didn't expect that I would have to settle for less than an hour throughout the entire day. My fear of rejection, coupled with the fact that the times I did touch his shoulder or arm he didn't exactly flinch or pull away, he did tense up a bit, kept me from trying to hold his hand, or walk arm in arm with him. It broke my heart to see him hugging other women in our group, though my brain said "he can hug them because they are attached to someone else, so they are safe for him to hug without worrying that he's sending the wrong message". Seeing other couples all paired up and affectionate made the pit of my stomach knot up for the first time in several years. I cried myself to sleep Sunday night, and again Monday night. I came to the conclusion that I can't keep on with the ups and downs, despite the ups being more frequent than the downs. This down has been the most horrible of my entire life. I have NEVER been in this dark of a place. The only choice I feel like I have is to back away and not see him for awhile, and hope that I can fall back OUT of love with him. I am more miserable than I have ever been in my life. I've been told that I need to move on and focus my energies on someone else. The problem is that there is no one else I want to focus on. Shit, there hadn't been anybody in YEARS that I particularly wanted to focus on, and suddenly he was dropped into my world and lit it up. I don't ever want to hurt like this again, and I just don't know when I might be able to open my heart back up, if it ever does heal from this. Intellectually, I realize that getting through this will be a process. Right now, I am mad as hell because my horrible day at Faire on Sunday has caused me to not want to go to faire this weekend, and is putting a damper on what is usually one of my most fun weekends of the year, the one when I am in the village with my very best friend in the world. I know that the only person responsible for my happiness is me, but I'm having a bit of a hard time thinking about walking around the shire with her and not hearing his voice saying "I don't think I've ever come up this lane before" or "that is really cool". Yeah, I'm in a horrible dark place, and I am going through the motions because I HAVE to drag myself to work and home again, and get stuff done, when I'd rather just hole up in my bed with my cats and feel no pain.

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