Letter

I could just write this and not post it, but I'm kind of hoping that actually writing it will be cathartic, and probably on some level, that perhaps it might be read by the one to whom it is addressed, though I figure that's pretty unlikely. I have spent months trying to convince my heart to just give it up. I've come up with all sorts of reasons defending you and your inability or unwillingness to just come clean about the real reason you "don't have an interest in dating anybody right now." It's been 10 months since you told me that. I have spent time beating myself up about why I am not good enough to be loved by you. Why I am not good enough to be half as important to you as any of your other friends. I've been sucked in, repeatedly, by your desire to be in electronic contact every morning and evening, and allowed myself to believe that it meant you gave a damn about me, and that it might eventually lead to you caring as much about me as I care about you. Instead of listening to my brain that kept saying "don't be an idiot, he's not ever going to give a shit about you. If he really gave a flying fuck about you, he would actually TALK to you, instead of just IM or text" No, I had to listen to my heart that kept trying to convince me otherwise. And my friends who, much as they love me and thought they were doing the right thing, kept encouraging me to read things the way I WANTED them to be. I see now that I've wasted the last 10 months deluding myself, and that it has nothing to do with me, and it has nothing to do with you needing to deal with demons from your past. Your heart belongs to someone else, who is, I suspect, as unavailable to you as you are to me, though since you don't ever actually talk to me, I don't know the whole story. I would say that I don't care what the story is, but that's a lie, mostly because I hate not knowing what's going on, even if what's going on makes me sick at my stomach, as it did that Sunday in May. I am sure that there are those, probably you included, who will say "he told you months ago where he stood, he's been open and honest about that." That's all well and good, but you know what, the only men other than co-workers that I have been in contact with on a semi-scheduled basis have been those with whom I was involved in a romantic relationship. My "just friends" guy friends and I talk a few times a week, at best, certainly not twice a day, or more. It seemed important to you to say goodnight each night. I know I've been an idiot about this whole thing, and I hope that I've learned my lesson. Don't worry, I'll leave you alone. You won't have to worry about greeting me or including me in the conversation anymore. I'll find other things to do with my time than spend it with our friends when you are spending time with them.

Decisions, decisions

I have been unemployed now for 7 weeks. Now, in today's economy, I realize that's a relatively short time, and while I could probably find something to occupy myself if I didn't NEED to work to support myself, I'm rapidly tiring of not working. I truly enjoy working in the construction industry. Back in 2000, when a temp agency I'd worked a few short term jobs for called me and asked me about working on a construction site, I was perfectly happy to try something new. The warning that they included about the fact that it would be on a job site, and well, construction workers have a bit of a reputation for being crude, rough, and sexist, didn't phase me, since I grew up with brothers, and I long ago learned to handle myself when I need to. I found my groove in that job. In the last 9 years, I've worked on both the general contractor and the subcontractor side. I can't really say that I like one or the other better, though I suspect that the experience I've had on the subcontractor side will help me work better on the GC side. I've been debating for a year or so, taking some classes toward certification that could make me more marketable in the industry, and increase my earning potential. There are 3 programs in the area. 1 is through a "satellite" sort of campus of a "university" in another state. I am a bit wary of such programs, especially those that suddenly pop up with multiple campuses in a specific area in a relatively short time, and advertise through SPAM. The second is through Northlake College, which is part of the Dallas County Community College. Thisn option would garner the same classes as the third option, because they are affiliated, at a more affordable rate, and the option to make payments on the courses, rather than having to come up with all of the money at once. The drawback is that the end result is an Associate of Applied Science, which seems, at least to me, a few steps backward, since I've already got my BA. I suppose that positives to this option include that several of the requirements for graduation I've already completed as they were required for my BA. I will have to retake College Algebra, which should be interesting, since I hate math, and the last time around I took the D and was happy because it did get me my 3 hours credit for graduation. The 3rd option is through the Construction Education Foundation, and while that would lead to a certificate, the costs are higher than Northlake, and not all of the courses are available both places, and it's a pay it all up front sort of situation. If I lived in reasonable driving distance Houston (let's just say HELL NO), Beaumont (again, HELL NO), San Marcos (DITTO), Lubbock, San Antonio, College Station, or Commerce, I could enroll at one of the universities in TX that offer a Bachelor's or more in Construction Management, but alas, I don't, and I have no desire to relocate right now, so that blows that option. Tomorrow I will look into getting more information from the coordinator of the program at Northlake, as I think he should be able to tell me something about both programs, since they are associated. Off to bed. Oh, and I haven't forgotten about sharing my adventures at Sterling, I was just too wiped out when I got home to get it together and posted, and today my brain was all focused on this school thing.

BEAT IT

All of you people who just can't go past the death of Michael Jackson need to MOVE ON! I mean, seriously people, sure he was an icon. 20 FREAKING YEARS AGO! In the recent past, he has become a pathetic, androgenous freak of modern medicine. Sure, he had an abusive childhood, so did the rest of his siblings, but holy cow people, the rest of them have GROWN UP and become responsible adults, and tried to provide a loving, NORMAL life for their children. Or at least they've managed to keep their oddities quiet and out of the news. I am so tired of seeing stories about "the latest" information regarding his death, his will, his children's future, and now "FINAL VIDEO recorded as he rehearsed for his upcoming tour". WHO GIVES A RATS ASS? I sure don't, and pretty much neither does anyone else I know. The "King of Pop" died YEARS ago, before the "vitiligo" or skin bleaching or whatever caused his skin to fade from the brown that God made to the ultimately sallow grey that it became, before he had a cleft in his chin and did whatever else he had done that ultimately made him look like a non-asian geisha with a jeri-curl hairdo. Personally, I'm much more touched by the death of Mollie Sugden and Farrah Fawcett. The news of Mollie Sugden's death kinda made me miss my mother. Bless her heart, I'm not sure that her uptight, and well, prudish, self found Mrs. Slocombe's references to her cat funny for the same reasons that most of the rest of us did, but together we spent a lot of time laughing at her. Incidentally, I had just a couple of days earlier, updated my Amazon wish list to include all of the Are You Being Served series! Meanwhile, it's been a busy week around here, and frankly, I didn't get accomplished all that I had intended to finish before my weekend in NY, but that's how it goes sometimes. Hopefully, by the time I get home, there will be news about the interview I had last week, and I'll be gainfully employed again! I've also decided that I am going to take some classes this fall. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to pay for it, but I will figure it out. There are several courses available that I think will be very beneficial in furthering my career in my chosen field. I know that there is a program through DCCCD, which would cost me a little more than going to TCC, but a couple of the classes aren't available through TCC. Off to bed

Hump Day

Wednesday has rolled around again. It's been a busy couple of days, between working on my resume and getting some cover letters drafted, and trying to finish updating my Itunes, since it's been around 6 months since I last synced the Ipod. I did discover, however, that in my transfer of data, I somehow lost about 25 albums. I have the original discs from most of them, but am going to have to hund for a few, which is always annoying, as I am sooo organized. *umm, yeah, NOT* This afternoon, Snipe tweeted with a tattoo link and I just HAD to make with the clickyclicky. Yes, I have ink. I have 4, at the moment. There are a couple of others that I have in mind, however, since I've no idea where to put them, they aren't part of the collection yet. That being said, I have certain rules for my ink.

1. I must be able to see it without a mirror
2. I must be able to show it easily without risk of being arrested for indecent exposure
3. I must be able to hide it easily
4. It must not be where it is likely to migrate as I age
5. It must not be where it is likely to develop stretch marks
6. I will not get a new one between the end of March and the end of September, as it's too likely to get sunburned too soon

My first is a small yellow rose on my toe. Well, it's not particularly yellow anymore, but I don't really care. The conversation with the artist went like this:

Artist: Are you sure you don't want red? It would show up better Me: I am from TEXAS, why the HELL would I want a red rose instead of yellow? I've been planning this tattoo for 15 years Artist: I can't guarantee how long the yellow will last, it fades pretty quickly Me: That's fine, I understand that, I will know that it's yellow

My second is a ladybug. I was ready for another tat, I think ladybugs are cute, and there it is. That one does need to be recolored, but I suspect it's a result of wearing socks and boots over it too soon after I had it done.

My third breaks rule #1, but ironically, has the most profound meaning for me, and once I finished working out the basic design, which I then forwarded to an artist for tweaking before he applied it, I just knew that it belonged between my shoulderblades. It is a celtic triskele and various stages of a hackberry butterfly.

My fourth is part of a matched set, it's twin is on my BFFs right calf, and mine is on my right. We'd talked for years about doing something to match, and last year on Mother's Day weekend, we went to my artist and had the bagpipes done. They aren't identical, but they are very close, as we are, and we celebrated 21 years of friendship that spring.

Ironically, shortly before I read the tweet, I had read this article about a young woman in Belgium who FELL ASLEEP while having her FACE tattooed. Allegedly, she wanted 3 stars on her forehead, and woke up with 56 on her face. UMM, ok, how the HELL do you fall asleep when you are getting inked? I mean, seriously people, it HURTS! I can only imagine how painful a facial tat would be! Weird folks out there, I suppose.

KITTENS & Other Ramblings

A few days ago, noticed a mama cat in my back yard with a couple of kittens. Now, if you ask me, there's not much that's cuter than tiny little kittens romping, so of course I had to grab my camera. I took a few shots from inside the house, but being the cat person that I am, I just HAD to go outside. As long as I stayed on the patio, they eyed me warily, but didn't run to hide.

When I started to get a little closer, 2 of the kittens got inside some cinderblocks that are stacked on the platform at the back of my small shed, while the 3rd went to the side of the shed that's at the back of the yard, where it butts up near the fence. Mama went over to the corner behind the big shed. When I put my camera above the cinderblocks, the little grey kitten got quite ferocious, as I heard the tiniest little HISS coming from that opening.

Headed for safety You can't see us. Can you?? I'm sooo sleeeepy

Yesterday on my way home from running a few errands, I picked up some kitten chow, and when I went out to put it where they could get to it, Mama did lots of hissing, and stayed between the babies and me, but by the time I was back inside the house, she was gobbling down the food. Pretty soon the Tuxedo joined her, and in a few minutes, here came Grey. I never saw Creamy eating that day, other than nursing. Before they left the dish, they'd eaten every bite, and Mama had turned the dish over to make sure it was empty. This morning that scenario was repeated.

Naptime! Look at those little black toe pads!

This evening, I took out a different bowl, that is better suited to feeding and watering kittens. I saw everybody eat some, including Creamy, and there's still a pretty good bit left in the bowl. Perhaps Mama's decided that I won't take away what doesn't get eaten. They've moved from between the sheds to under the pool deck, which is closer to the food, and the kittens can get to the food without having to go across any of the open lawn, so I'm guessing that maybe she feels more secure there.

I have emailed Feral Friends and am hoping to work with them to trap all 4, socialize the kittens, have everybody spayed/neutered, and adopt out everyone who is deemed adoptable. I have a friend interested in Creamy, and another interested in Tuxedo, which just leaves Mama & Grey. I suspect, based on how quickly Mama seems to have accepted my presence, that she's a first generation feral, and I think she's not more than a year old, so perhaps she can be socialized (separately from her kittens) and be adopted as well, but we shall have to wait and see.

Tomorrow may be traumatic for everybody, as my landlord is coming to pump water off the cover of the pool, and in the evening I have friends coming over for a cookout. Hot as it is, though, I suspect that the only time there will be very many outside will be while we are actually cooking, and the 3 or 4 smokers will be in and out, I'm sure, but we are all animal people, and most of us familiar with ferals so I think we'll be able to ignore them and Mama won't freak out or anything.

My morning was a busy one, as I had to be in Arlington at 11 for a sorority meeting. It was my last meeting for awhile, as I've decided that I need to take a leave of absence. Beta Sigma Phi has been good for me, and frankly is largely the reason that I am the person that I am today. In 1990, when I pledged, I was 23, introverted, and had some self esteem issues. Seriously, when we were told to think about which offices we might be interested in, the following went through my head: "OK, President is out because I'm not pretty enough. Vice President is out because, well, that entails calling people I don't know and inviting them to a meeting NOT! Treasurer is out because I'm a math moron" I decided that I could be a pretty good secretary, whether it be Recording or Corresponding. Every time I had to call roll and read the minutes, I shook like a leaf, and was pretty sure my voice sounded all shaky. When it was my turn to lead the program, I thought I might faint. I spent a little over a year in that chapter before I moved away. It was several months before I found another chapter, but that is the chapter in which I blossomed. I think perhaps part of it was that I was the only chapter member (aside from our 2 Advisors) that had experienced Beta Sigma Phi from the standpoint of a member, rather than a legacy, as well as being the oldest (by a year or two) in the chapter, so the ladies looked to me for leadership. By the time I left that chapter several years later, my absolute favorite office to hold (and I'd held all of them by then) was Vice President, because I believed in the organization and what it stands for, and I loved being able to share it. I was not involved for several years, partially because of the circumstances under which I left, and partially because I had enough other stuff going on that I didn't feel I could devote the time that I felt I should. A few years ago notified International that I thought I would like to be involved again, and they put me on the transferee list that is sent to chapters in the area. I received calls from a couple of chapters in town and visited both. The first one I knew one of the ladies, because we'd been next door neighbors when I was living with Mom, and after she died, while I was still in her house. Unfortunately, at that time, she was the youngest in that chapter, and she was 15 years or so older than I am. The other chapter I visited had a wide age range, and I discovered that one of the ladies also enjoys Scarborough Faire. I joined that chapter and enjoyed it very much for several years. Like all groups of women, we had our fair share of drama and issues. Over the years, it seemed to escalate and I started feeling that most people were going along with what one or two wanted just to keep the peace. A few people transferred to another chapter in the area that they felt would better meet their needs, for whatever reasons. I stuck it out, probably longer than I should have, but last year, when I moved to my current house, I found myself about 15 miles from my nearest sorority sister, and easily an hour from the one who is the farthest from me. Gradually it became a chore for me to make it to meetings, and eventually, I was having to choose between making a meeting and getting up and making it to work the next day. My Leave of Absence is not a full and complete departure from the chapter, but rather a hiatus. I think that if I elect not to become active after a year's leave, I become a Member at Large. We'll see how I feel in 6 months or a year.

A couple of years ago, one of my sorority sisters introduced me the the International Wenches Guild and a whole new group of friends that have become very much like family to me. Now, if not for Beta Sigma Phi, I would not only have the confidence that I have, but I would not have found the IWG. Since I became a wench, I have again blossomed, and have really come to fully appreciate myself and all of my quirks.

that's enough random musing I think for tonite. Tomorrow's a busy day

The End of a Season

Last week I posted about the end of faire, and you know, well, the funk didn't REALLY set in until today. This weekend was Texas Scottish Festival in Arlington. For many of the rennies in the area, myself included, it marks the true end of our Spring Faire season. Often, TSF, which is held beginning the first Friday of June, is the weekend immediately after Scarby closes on Memorial Day. The last couple of years, we've had a weekend to rest in between, which is especially good for the traveling entertainers and vendors who participate in Scarby and TSF both, because they have a weekend in between, instead of getting home (in many cases close to midnight) on Memorial Day Monday, then having to turn around on Friday and come right back again. It occurred to me last night, that there are several people that I've seen a great deal of over the past, ohhh, 3 months, and I (and my cats, to be completely honest) have become accustomed to seeing them every week, or every other week. If I'm able to find work and get things arranged, AND they participate in Dickens on the Strand in December, I will see them again in 6 months. Yeah, that's a REALLY long dry spell. Especially considering that last year, I only had to wait 4 months, then 2 months, then 3 months. Yeah, I'm pretty spoiled to seeing them regularly and I'm going to miss them terribly over the next few months. It's possible that I might see one of them when I go to Sterling next month, but that's kind of a 'cross our fingers and hope we can work it out' sort of situation. I'm pretty sure that there is a meltdown coming in the next several days, so we'll see what happens, right? My weekend began Friday night with my youngest nephew's high school graduation. If I wasn't so puffed up with pride over their accomplishments, I'd be jealous of his and his older brother's brains! Stevie graduated 7th in his class with multiple honors. Yeah, I was really happy to be in the 3rd quarter of my class, I could NEVER have made 7th, and certainly not Valedictorian like his brother did. I was running late, which made the Queen of Early that's inside me absolutely NUTS like nobody's business, but I was NOT the last to arrive! After graduation we went to dinner, and then back to the house, where I gave Stevie my old laptop. I suppose it speaks volumes as to my addiction to my laptop that once I spilled the water on the old one and I couldn't get it to work within a day, I went and replaced it. Now, in my defense, I HAD already been considering upgrading to increase the size of my hard drive, because in a year and a half I'd filled up like 70% of the old one, so it wasn't a totally spur of the moment purchase. Stevie really felt like between all the geeks that live in their house, he could get it up and running again. Yeah, he was in business practically before I got home that night! He's replacing the keyboard module or somesuch thing that I've no clue about, but hey, the computer was revived, he's got a great tool for when he starts college in the fall, and I'm quite happy that despite my unemployment (which DID come AFTER the 'demise' of the laptop) I was able to give him something awesome for graduation. At any rate, it's been a busy weekend, I've either got a low grade fever or a mild sunburn (sunblock nazi FAIL), and I've gotten through today on about 5 hours of sleep, so I think it's off to bed for me. Tomorrow is a trip to Weatherford so my NY sister can meet the awesomeness that is Our Molly (my & tom's sweet little short-legged deaf kitty who lives at Erin's), Thumbelina (Erin's short-legged hairless kitty-a bambino), Blondie (Erin's other Sphynx) and the other kitties that live there.

Surprise! Part Deux

Back in January, I posted an entry about a formerly close friend. I replied to that email, and while I did give her a brief update on the high points of my world at the time (I left out the part about being annoyed by the leech), I didn't give her my current phone number, because, well, I wasn't ready for her to have that much ability to get into my world. Since then, I have gotten exactly 2 emails from her, both general forwards with no personal notes at all. Today, there popped into my inbox, an email from her practically begging me to take her in so she doesn't have to go out onto the streets because her current situation, with a cousin, is just not working out, whatever the hell that means, and there's no room at her dads. She's got a part time job for like 3 days this month and some interviews set up, but from the sounds of things, no steady income. I suppose that for too long I've been too nice or something. Somehow it's as if I'm expected to take in every stray that comes across my path. Yeah, well, the leech took care of that for all you strays out there! NEVER AGAIN am I going to share my space with anyone other than a husband or life partner, who will be equally responsible for the lease and bills! AND, if I was going to take in someone, it would be someone who is truly my friend, and is actually interested interested in spending time with me and talking to me just because we are friends, rather than because I can do something for them. I cannot devote any more time to people that suck the energy and joy out of my world. I have enough drama on my own, so please don't try to involve me in yours, k?thanks On the up side, I have an iterview tomorrow with a staffing agency for a position that is about half the distance I used to have to drive to the job I loved in Dallas. I'm figuring on about 2.5 hours or so tomorrow late morning/early afternoon to get that taken care of. I have had a couple of other nibbles on my resumes that are posted, but somehow I don't get how "Administrative Assistant or Office Manager" translates into Sales Associate. I list NO SALES EXPERIENCE on my resume or skills. I specifically state that I am looking for an office position, why the HELL are you emailing me about the Assistant Manager position for your retail store? GAAAH OK, off to bed so tomorrow I won't have bags under my eyes