Scarby 30th Season is history

Another season of Scarby has gone into the history books. Overall, it was a very odd season. No Rogues piping (either in their original form or in another incarnation) on a regular basis. In the 9 years I've been going, at least once a year, I've NEVER been without either The Rogues, or Scottish Mayhem, which was comprised of former Rogues members playing. Shoppes were moved around. Or gone. Acts were moved. Or gone. Somehow the magic was out of whack. At first I thought it might be the absence of bagpipes, but since wherever I went in the shire, even to areas where there weren't usually bagpipes, the energy was different, there's more to it, though I've no idea what it was. Several people who are usually about, either working, or simply adding to the atmosphere along with the rest of us weren't there.
Today was harder than I really anticipated, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that my <3 is still very much in control of what it wants, regardless of what is best for it, or what my brain tries to convince is the best thing for all of us. I finally got around to sharing my frustrations with someone I thought might be 1. Understanding, 2. Supportive, and 3. Helpful in overcoming the issues. I was, actually surprised that my plea was ignored, and once again, I simply don't matter as much as other people do. Eventually I will learn this lesson, and retain the knowledge in some manner that will keep me from getting stomped on regularly. I hope.
Now off to bed, for tomorrow starts much earlier than I am accustomed to starting, and will likely end later than my usual bedtime.

Letter

I could just write this and not post it, but I'm kind of hoping that actually writing it will be cathartic, and probably on some level, that perhaps it might be read by the one to whom it is addressed, though I figure that's pretty unlikely. I have spent months trying to convince my heart to just give it up. I've come up with all sorts of reasons defending you and your inability or unwillingness to just come clean about the real reason you "don't have an interest in dating anybody right now." It's been 10 months since you told me that. I have spent time beating myself up about why I am not good enough to be loved by you. Why I am not good enough to be half as important to you as any of your other friends. I've been sucked in, repeatedly, by your desire to be in electronic contact every morning and evening, and allowed myself to believe that it meant you gave a damn about me, and that it might eventually lead to you caring as much about me as I care about you. Instead of listening to my brain that kept saying "don't be an idiot, he's not ever going to give a shit about you. If he really gave a flying fuck about you, he would actually TALK to you, instead of just IM or text" No, I had to listen to my heart that kept trying to convince me otherwise. And my friends who, much as they love me and thought they were doing the right thing, kept encouraging me to read things the way I WANTED them to be. I see now that I've wasted the last 10 months deluding myself, and that it has nothing to do with me, and it has nothing to do with you needing to deal with demons from your past. Your heart belongs to someone else, who is, I suspect, as unavailable to you as you are to me, though since you don't ever actually talk to me, I don't know the whole story. I would say that I don't care what the story is, but that's a lie, mostly because I hate not knowing what's going on, even if what's going on makes me sick at my stomach, as it did that Sunday in May. I am sure that there are those, probably you included, who will say "he told you months ago where he stood, he's been open and honest about that." That's all well and good, but you know what, the only men other than co-workers that I have been in contact with on a semi-scheduled basis have been those with whom I was involved in a romantic relationship. My "just friends" guy friends and I talk a few times a week, at best, certainly not twice a day, or more. It seemed important to you to say goodnight each night. I know I've been an idiot about this whole thing, and I hope that I've learned my lesson. Don't worry, I'll leave you alone. You won't have to worry about greeting me or including me in the conversation anymore. I'll find other things to do with my time than spend it with our friends when you are spending time with them.