Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I could probably use therapy

I'm pretty sure, actually that it would do me a great deal of good to find a therapist, but honestly, that's just not on my list of things to do these days. Blogging will just have to do for now. Not that I do a very regular job of that either... It's been kind of a crazy year for me, ups and downs, fortunately, more ups, I think, for the most part. Right now's rough, however because I once again let my heart rule my head. You would think I would have learned by now. I haven't, and this time it's hurting more than I could possibly have imagined that it would. As a Libra, I admit that sometimes I am in love with the idea of being in love. I like being part of a couple. I don't mind, most of the time, being single. Sure there are moments when I'm somewhere with a bunch of my 'couple' friends that it sorta niggles at me, but mostly I'm ok with it. Over the summer, I developed a bit of an infatuation with a friend. This has never happened to me before. Oh, I've had situations where I was infatuated, but THEN decided that friends worked better, but it's never gone the other direction. I declared my interest, was told, very nicely and honestly that at this point, friendship is all he has to offer anybody. OK. I'm cool with that, I can be patient. The problem arose when words and actions were not matching, and was exacerbated by the fact that OTHER PEOPLE were interpreting actions the same way that I was, and were beginning to think of us as a couple. Hey, it works for me, right? Yeah, somewhere along the way, I lost my heart to him. I honestly don't know if he has any idea just how hard I fell. Sure, he knows tht there is an interest, and he knows that I miss him when I don't see him when I'm accustomed to seeing him, or talk to him according to our usual habits, but I don't think that he really has a clue about how far gone I am. Subtle doesn't work. Banging him over the head doesn't work. I just don't know what else to do, other than just give up and hope that he figures it out. I've let go. Sort of. I've taken our picture off my various profiles where I was using it as my avatar. I've randomized contact lists so he's not the #1 every time someone looks at my lists. He's not the default photo on my phone anymore. Our photo is no longer hanging on my computer monitor or from my keychain. I am trying to be mature about it and not have a kicking screaming fit. Yesterday I completely melted down and even mentioned to a couple of people that I was contemplating sticking my head in the oven. NEVER in my life have I even joked about suicide, simply because I've been left behind, and would not dream of doing the same thing to my friends. Never has a the loss of a relationship caused me to want to die. Yeah, it's bad this time around. And now all I can do is wait

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