Saturday, October 1, 2011

31 over 31

I need to be more consistent about blogging if I'm going to have a blog, I really do. October is likely not the best time to choose to do this, but I'm going to do my best to post something every day. There are a couple of times that I won't have internet access, but I think I can manage it. I don't know that I'll find exciting things to post about, but I'll find something, and hopefully someone will get something out of it, besides me.

"Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it." This is a quote that I saw posted on Facebook earlier this week, and it really spoke to me. I spent a lot of years trying to be "normal". I so wish that I had heard that before I wasted many years trying to live up to someone else's idea of good, normal, or whatever. Most of my current circle of friends has only ever known the me that embraces and is totally good with her weirdness. Now, when I was a kid, like most kids, I wanted to "fit in". Some of that, I'm sure is related to the regular moves involved in being a military brat. If I wasn't moving, my friends were, as is the nature of that world. I don't remember ever being told that I shouldn't or couldn't embrace my dreams, follow my muse, or anything like that, but I was not particularly encouraged to do so either. I was expected to "do the right thing", graduate high school, go to college, get a degree, then get a job. Getting out of high school wasn't a problem. College, on the other hand, took me awhile, but I did finally finish, with a degree, in an area that I love and have a lot of interest in, however a History degree isn't worth diddly if there is not a plan for education or law school. Sure I love it, and I would love to be able to teach it, but to do that, I would have to sacrifice entirely too much of who I am in order to please "the establishment", and I'm not willing to do that. I wasn't willing to do it 16 years ago when it was time to start taking the education courses if I was going to teach, and I'm even less willing to do it now.

I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be, perfection is too much work, and well, it tends to alienate people. I'm fat, and generally healthy, despite a family history of heart disease, vascular issues, and diabetes. I don't wear the latest fashions, and, frankly, I don't want to. My house is cluttered and messy because I LIVE THERE, it's not a showplace, but a home. I make choices that a lot of folks do not agree with, but they are MY choices, based on what I need and want. My life is about what makes ME happy and keeps me where I need to be emotionally and spiritually. It's a journey, sometimes easy, sometimes difficult, but overall it's been a pretty good journey so far. In 4 days I'll be 44… I remember when mid-40s seemed so old to me. As I age, my definition of old changes. And I don't really think I'm old, or even middle-aged. I like to think I'm pretty cool and hip, though I'd bet that the kids in my world would disagree, which is just fine. I just hope that they see that I'm comfortable with myself and that I live my life on my terms, without allowing anyone else to have the power to make me believe that I'm not good enough, or that the way I live my life is "not good enough".

1 comment:

Lisa Hefron said...

Amen, I feel the same way now. I wasted almost 1/2 my life trying to be "normal".

Ah well. It has shaped me to be who I am.