Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Trying to get better

I'd gotten pretty lazy about posting, I suspect, mostly because I was too tired to do anything by the time I got home from work. Now that I'm back out on the jobhunt again, perhaps I will get better about keeping up with my thoughts and ideas for posts. I've decided to break my Fibro posts off to a separate blog, more to consolidate them and keep them a little more organized for me, than anything else.
A lot has been going on, and this may wind up being a much more rambling post than originally planned, but hey, I've got a good bit to put into words, and it's my blog, so I can do that…
For the past 8 years or so (admittedly only the past 3 of them full runs), Scarby has been a place of magic and joy for me. It's been an escape. Home. Family. Comfort. Love. Acceptance. Magic and Music. I knew going in that this year would be different, several acts that I enjoy are missing, either entirely or present only in limited runs. There has been some drama that affected me indirectly. My funds have been limited. Opening weekend there was an almost eerie silence in Pecan Grove. My schedule is all messed up. Oh, that's right, I don't have a schedule this year, because my favorite performing friends aren't on shire. I have never been at Scarby without full time bagpipe shows. Sure there's a piper in parade every day, but since I am not about to put myself into the Death March, I get about 5 minutes of bagpipes as the Scottish Regiment goes by. Even if I was willing to do the Death March, walking a mile over the course of almost ½ hour, hearing the same bit of tune on endless loop would likely put me off the pipes for a bit! I've adjusted over the past 4 weekends to the lack of pipes, and that's not nearly as annoying as it was the first weekend, but overall, the energy of the festival is just off somehow. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. Vendors have moved, or been removed. Some of the new additions have been umm, questionable. I've elected to forego even walking into one of my favorite shoppes as a result of behavior exhibited by one of the owners at another festival. The last 2 seasons, I've not missed a single day. This year, I'm only going to make 1 full weekend of the remaining 4, the rest I will miss one of the days, in an effort to conserve $, gas, and make sure I can make my #1 boy's HS graduation over Memorial Day weekend. Surprisingly, it's not as heart wrenching as I thought it would be to begin with… perhaps on some level, without the usual magic, it just doesn't seem as if I'm giving up as much as I would have, say last season…
When I started the job in February, I was excited about the possibilities and opportunities I believed were opening to me. The early mornings and long days were hard to adjust to, getting up at 5 a.m. so I could leave by 6 and be at work by 7, and not getting home until 6:30, IF I didn't have any stops to make, but worth it in the end since I had 3 day weekends every week. I adjusted, and I thought things were going along just fine. A couple of weeks ago, I was assigned to go out into the field with an inspector, to give me a better understanding of that side of the work the company does. Monday and Tuesday were fine… not terribly warm, poles we had to check were not difficult to access. Wednesday, we had to go to a site that had 3 poles in a river bottom sort of area. I made it down to and up from the first one, huffing and puffing. The grade to get to the 2nd & 3rd was just more than I have the balance or stamina for, so I didn't even try. The inspector told me not to worry about it, it's not like I was going to be out in the field anyway. Monday after that (April 26th), I was called into my manager's office and terminated. I was under a 90-day probationary period, which had not yet passed, so I don't know that I will get approved for unemployment, but we'll see. In the meantime, I am going back to Ebaying, and hunting for a job, and trying to get blogging better. I am also going to look at perhaps making pins or something that I could sell online…
Other stuff:
Last weekend was hard, physically and emotionally. I suspect it was a combination of the stress of the wedding, losing my job, and general blah-ness that made it hard on me. Sometimes I HATEHATEHATE being the strong one. It's been a long time since I was part of a couple. I truly thought I'd gotten past the heartbreak of last fall, when I decided that I would stop beating my head up against a wall that was not ever going to come down. I was wrong. It just annoys the hell out of me that everyone wants to hang with and make sure that the ones who have someone else taking care of them are taken care of… Sometimes I just want to smack them and say "HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?" I don't know what it is about my personality that makes me try to hide my frustration about the situation, but I recognize that I do need to work on being more honest about what's really going on in my head or heart when someone asks me what's wrong, instead of just saying "meh, I'm tired"

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