New Meds... oh yay.

The initial report from the doctor is in, I officially have high blood pressure. It’s not terribly high, but regularly high enough to cause some concern and land me on lisinopril. I’ll have my first dose tomorrow morning (after I get to work, since it’s known to cause drowsiness, light-headedness, etc., so I’d rather be where I’m not going to be driving before I take it). I also have instructions to exercise more and lose 10% of my body weight. When I’m in the doc’s office next week for a follow up, we’re going to discuss this situation further, because, well, I’m home for somewhere between 3 & 4 hours on weeknights before I need to go to bed, and somewhere in there must be my dinner.  I’ve learned from the past, that late evening exercise and restful sleep are NOT friends in my world. Once it cools off, I can walk a lap or two around the exterior of our building at lunch, but for now, while it’s Hotter Than Satan’s AssHole out there, it is NOT an option. I’m looking into gym facility options that are either near work, or somewhere between home and work that’s easily accessible one direction or the other. There’s a facility associated with a hospital that’s open to the public, and includes an Arthritis Aqua-cise program, which should also be beneficial for the Fibromyalgia as well. My short term goal (by the time I go to the doc’s again on the 19^th) is about 4 lbs, so I’ve gotten some salad mix, and will be working on eating more balanced, healthier stuff, regardless of what the rest of the house is eating.

Happy Jar for the day was making someone I adore laugh til she almost wet herself, when she’d had a bit of a rough 24 hours or so!

2011

I have never been one to make resolutions, in no small part because I have a terrible case of A.D. Oooh, SHINEY, and I sometimes have trouble following through on goals I set for myself when they have no bearing on anyone except myself. Yep, I know that the only person who suffers for this is me. That being said, I recognize that the time has come for me to stop punishing myself, and actually follow through on some of my goals. I am setting small ones, that I am fairly certain I can achieve and turn into good habits, which will ultimately benefit my physical health, as well as my spiritual & emotional well-being.

1. Take my vitamins. Daily. – Getting them out of the closet, where I will see them every day will help with this task
2. Eat better, more balanced meals. – I've started this already, having a protein shake for breakfast this morning, and a healthy dinner (let's not talk about my lunch today at a local fast food restaurant) I am trying to keep track of my progress over on my weight loss blog, but no guarantees on that yet.
3. Get proper sleep, EVERY night. A few days ago, I made sure when I was in Arlington, to get by Deep Woods Apothecary, where I picked up, among other things, some of their Serenitea. Night before last it wasn't a fabulous solution to my sleep issues, but Li'lcat was utterly insistent on being in my face, waking me up. Last night, however, I slept like a dream.
4. Spend 10 minutes a day of quiet time… no music, no computer, no cats, no driving, no other distractions.
5. Spend 30 minutes a day reading a book. I used to LOVE to read, and did so voraciously. I'm not sure what happened to that in the last few years. I am definitely a bibliophile, my book collection is outrageous, especially considering the space I have to devote to it at this time, and I am not going to purchase any new books until I finish reading the ones I've already got collecting dust. For me, this is going to mean turning off the television
6. Move more. I'm doing a little research to try and find a nearby yoga or bellydance studio. As much as I wish I could go back to Isis, I just can't justify the 90 minute drive, even once a week.

2010 was a rough year all the way 'round. The saying that what you are doing at the beginning of the year will set the tone for what you will do throughout the year seems to have been only partially true, as I was unemployed, but only spent about ½ the year in that state. I learned a great deal about myself over the course of that year, good things and some not so good things, but in the end, I have a clearer vision of what really matters to me, and what I'm willing to do to accomplish those things. I am blessed in more ways than I can count, with blood kin as well as my chosen family of friends. We don't always get along or see things the same way, but we can agree to disagree and enjoy more those things on which we can agree. 

2011 promises to be a new adventure, a path unseen, yet somehow familiar & comfortable, with God & family (birth & chosen) along the way to share the joys and the sorrows as they present themselves.

Sometimes Things Have to Fall Apart.

One of the things I did manage today, between moving stuff and trying to keep the cats somewhat settled down, was to discover & read the blog of one of my kids from church. I call her one of MY kids, because back in, 2007, she was one of the kids on my first mission trip since I was a youth. Except for one of them, who was a senior, and one who was a junior I think the rest of them were on their first mission trip, since they'd just finished 7^th grade. She (and our Senior) were on my workteam, and, like all of the kids, were awesome! I knew, back then, that she is something especially special in my world. Over the last 3 years, I've read her blogs on her MySpace & Facebook, always marveling at her gift for writing. She's a wonderful public speaker as well. She's started a new blog… one with its own space, not a page on MySpace or Facebook. As I was reading several entries on her blog, I was struck by this paragraph

Sometimes things have to fall apart to fall into place…And when they do fall apart, it doesn't matter that everything's in pieces. What matters is how you carry them. God will let you carry your pieces however you want. But me? I want some help with mine. So I vote we remember our windows, put less stock in our lights, and carry our pieces towards the Lord, because once you remember he's there, he's a lot easier to see.  Marianne Brown, 2010

Recently, I have felt very much like things in my world have fallen apart. I suck at asking for help. I know this. I suck at asking the friends I can see, and the ones I can't. My faith has always been a big part of my life, and while it's fundamentally still pretty much what it has always been, I've learned that I can successfully incorporate some other ideas into the mix, not be wrong, and still be loved by God. Perhaps I've been the strong one for too long… I need to let God help carry my pieces.

It's been over a year since I was employed for anything longer than a couple of months. There have been ups and downs, frustrations beyond belief, and some wonderful revelations along the way. Several weeks ago, tensions came to a head and seemed to be at an impasse with regard to my living situation. This resulted in a frantic search for somewhere I could go, and, knowing that none of my options for MY bed could include my cats. I was fortunate enough to find someone not only willing to foster them for me, but also willing to drive a couple of hours to meet me about halfway between our places to make the exchange. Many tears, frustrations, and a bit of a hollering match later, we reached an accord that will benefit all of us in the house, preserve a friendship, and let me keep my cats with me.

See, we live in a house that was originally built in the 1880s. Yes, that is correct, the house (parts of it anyway) is over 120 years old. There have been a couple additions over the years, rendering parts of the house more energy efficient than others. The room I'd been in since November is part of the original house. There are 4 windows in that room. 2 face WEST, and, if not original to the house, are at least from the early 20^th century (I would say maybe 1930's at the most recent) They are the old double hung sash type windows, that either have to be hooked open (there are eyebolts on the tops of the part that raises/lowers) or propped open with something. To help keep the cold out over the winter, we put some heavy plastic up over them. The other 2 are on the front porch, and face south/southwest. That room is also over a basement shop that isn't used except for storage probably 90% of the time. Also, the tree that's on the west side of the house provides NO shade to that bedroom. Yeah, cooling it in the summer is F.U.N. let me tell ya… especially with a window a/c unit. The other drawback to this room is that it is the public path to the only downstairs bathroom, and the only public bathroom in the house. Now, if I was in there asleep, nobody ever tried to come through, and for the most part, my privacy was respected, with a couple of exceptions. Oh, and I am TOTALLY not a neat freak. I can absolutely organize and clean someone else's stuff like crazy, but my own stuff tends to be fairly haphazard & messy (although I generally know where in my "mess" things are)

Upstairs, above the front room (where I was), is the master, which has a total of, umm, I think 7 windows. Some very old, some new, and honestly, since I don't spend a lot of time up there, I couldn't begin to say how many of each. At one time, there were 2 bedrooms in that space. 2 of the windows face WEST (and only one of those MIGHT get a bit of shade from the tree, but it's minimal at best). 3 face south, and 2 face north. Also up in that room are the cats which make up the "stock" of the cattery owned by one of my friends. Because they are mutant cats (yes, hairless is a mutation), they tend to be a bit more delicate, as a regular cat's fur helps to regulate its body temperature, that is likely the most important space to control the climate. Being that we are in TEXAS, in probably the hottest summer since 1980, plus the fact that that's an older (though I'm not sure original) part of the house, it's upstairs, and heat rises… well, the AC unit runs pretty well constantly up there to keep the room around 78 degrees.

Also upstairs is the teenager's bedroom, which has either 3 or 4 windows, facing east and south, and 2 cats. That room I KNOW is part of an addition from, I think around the 60s or 70s., and is above our living room & dining rooms.
Before the major heat hit, we were already running 3 a/c units, and hadn't even turned on the ones in the living/dining room.

There is also a small bedroom downstairs, with lots of natural light (nearly a whole wall of windows facing north, and a couple facing west that are mostly shaded by the tree outside, which I think is part of the 60s/70s addition. The west windows also have storm windows. It's almost half the size of the other bedroom, but it's not the smallest bedroom I have ever had. This shift allows me more privacy (nobody has any need to come through my bedroom to get to the bathroom, and the laundry room has 2 entries, so nobody has to come through my room to get there either.

The dining room can be moved into my old bedroom, along with several other things that have been sort of crowding the living/dining area because they needed to be where we could access them, but aren't things we necessarily use every single day. Those things don't have to be constantly climate controlled. (We are now up to 5 window units… 1 for each bedroom plus 2 for the living/dining area). The cattery stock can be moved into the more accessible former dining area (which is going to be climate controlled anyway because we usually have someone in that part of the house during the day), and we can stop running a/c constantly at such a level in 2 rooms. It is going to allow us to reduce energy costs, PLUS it will give the cats more socialization because they'll be where there are people all the time, instead of upstairs on their own.

So yesterday we finished getting the stuff (largely junk & such that will be either sold at a yard sale, Ebay-ed, or donated to charity if it's in decent condition, otherwise the trash men are gonna have a big load from us one of these days! Actually, a recliner and a coffee table got put at the curb last night, and picked up with the rest of the trash today. I vacuumed thoroughly (the last one living in it was a 20 year old boy, who wasn't exactly a clean or neat freak), and shampooed the carpets. This morning the carpets were dry enough, and we moved my stuff in. Before I moved anything in, I smudged with my sage stick to cleanse the energy (and the smoking boy aroma), rang my tingshas and burned a bit of purification oil to fully prepare the space.

There's still a table in the other room, which will go to storage, and a glider that will wind up in the living room, because, well, we can use another comfortable chair in there! My Ebay shipping supplies are also in there, but hopefully they will be able to stay, because, even once I put all the stuff I have in here in a proper place, there's nowhere for anything else! I have clean sheets on the bed, a temporary quilt (actually, it's a lap quilt that my sister-in-law made for me, umm, around 1990 or 91, I think. It will serve the purpose until the house is put back together and the laundry room is emptied to a point where we can get to the washer & dryer again…

I have much more to write about some of my plans for the coming weeks and months, but alas, the short cat is becoming INSISTENT that I either give her a turn on the computer, or get it off my lap so's I can scratch her properly… g'nite ya'll.

Success & Re-evaluation

As Christmas creeps ever closer, I am having good days and bad days, and gradually the good are beginning to outnumber the bad. In the past year the circumstances have forced me to step back and re-evaluate my life, and what's truly important. I had truly become complacent, and lost sight of the direction I was headed. I lost sight of ME, in my drive to be helpful, and a 'good friend' and somewhere along the line, I forgot that not only am I a good friend, I have some very good friends as well.
My success is not measured by the number of people that I rescue or help, nor is it measured by the work I do. I am a good person, a good friend, and sometimes shit happens, deserved or not. I am in the process of starting over, from the lowest I have ever been. Everything I own could be packed into a 10x20 storage building. Growing up, it seemed that everyone around me had more than we did. Oh, we were not poor, by any means, but we did live fairly modestly, and didn't have a lot of modern material things, or the latest gadgets, but I also understood that THINGS were just that, and that possessions don't equate with happiness, love, or contentment. Even as an adult, I have tended to purchase items I really want, after considering my options, AND whether or not I truly want to invest my money into a particular item, rather than competing to keep up with the Jones', Smith's, or anyone else. Sure, I have many things that truly are luxury items, rather than necessities, and very few of them are collecting dust from disuse.

I have never been in this situation before… I always had Mom to fall back on, in the event of a crisis, but not this time. I have had to reach out and ask for help, which has always been hard for me to do, whether it was schoolwork, or moving. I suppose that my mother and grandmother did a bit too good of a job teaching me to be self-reliant and not allow myself to become dependent on anyone else, because having to ask for help makes me feel weak, helpless, and like a failure, when that it truly not the case. The failure that I have experienced in the last 18 months or so is not truly MY failure, it is the failure of other people to do the right and moral thing. My only failing is in being too trusting and trying to provide a safety net. I have long considered myself blessed to have friends that I can trust, and while this year has shifted where some of those friends are on the true and reliable friend spectrum, I see a much clearer picture of many of those people that have shifted. And, truth be told, I've discovered a level to some of the relationships in my life that is much stronger than I imagined it was, and for that, I am grateful.

Over the weekend, I closed a chapter that a year ago, I would never have dreamed would close as it did, when I turned the keys over to the house that I once thought I would eventually purchase. It was a great size for me, and while there were a few little quirks about it, it could have been truly perfect for me, had I ever managed to sort through all the crap that I had been either carrying around for the last 7 years, but also that which I accumulated in the 19 months that I lived there, so that I could organize effectively. On my way out the door, after walking through with my friend and landlord, I smudged the whole house with a sage stick, in an effort to cleanse any negative energy still floating around and leave it with a clean slate. I am hopeful that closing that chapter, and the negativity that ultimately I came to have to live with while I was there will free me to move on to bigger and better things. I am truly blessed by the fact that while my living situation is far from perfect, it is MUCH closer to perfect than what many people have, as I do know where I will lay my head each night, and I know where my next meal will come from, and I can have my cats with me.

This will not be an easy journey, finding my way back to where I should be, emotionally, and physically, not to mention spiritually. Christmas, Yule, Chanukkah, each have their own traditions and ideas, yet somehow they work together, at least in my little head. I think that the most prevalent theme across all 3 is Light. Winter Solstice (Yule) celebrates the longest night of the year, which then gives rise to lengthening periods of light during the day. Chanukkah celebrates the 8 nights of light provided by only one night's worth of oil. Christmas the birth of Christ, believed to be the light of the world. I've been perhaps not in full darkness, but certainly not fully in the light that is available, sometimes by my own choice, sometimes as a result of the depression that does run in my family, sometimes simply because the combination of depression and other people's choices which affect me directly become overwhelming, and in an effort to not hurt the people around me, I withdraw into the darkness in order to try and find a little peace.

Tonight's list of things I am grateful for (aside from the obvious warm bed and a safe roof over my head)

1. Friends and family that loves and accepts me for who I am, and not what I can do for them, or anyone else.
2. Knowledge that I do not have to be perfect in anyone's eyes, and that striving to be so hurts me more than it does anyone else
3. The ability and willingness to measure my success by its own yardstick, independent of material or superficial things or events

And on that note, it is off to bed with my sleepy little brain.

rough day

Today has been a hard day. I managed to coax all 4 of the kittens into the house with the food, and trap them in. The 3 originals were easy to get into the carrier, but the beautiful tabby boy was NOT having any part of being handled, and tried to get out the closed door, and then made his way into the kitchen and tried to go out the window that he usually sits in. THAT was a mess, he took out my pink ceramic parrot from Campo Verde, and my little elf man that had survived 1 leg/hand amputation & reattachment.

I had planned to clean him up and repaint him, because I do love him, he is older than I am, and spent MANY years sitting in a potted plant at my grandmother’s house, then at Mom’s. He’s now had his leg/hand amputation reamputated, his arm amputated to match that leg/hand, and had his other foot amputated, and chips are everywhere. *sigh* yeah, I think he’s going in the trash with the ceramic parrot. It could have been much worse, the crock from the large crockpot is still on the counter, the butter bell survived, and so did the garlic cellar. I eventually gave up and just opened the door to let him back out, and haven’t seen him since. I cried all the way to HSNT. I know that they stand a better chance there, probably, than at one of the city shelters, and I have a friend who works there, and can help be sure they find homes. The little tuxedo boy and the girl (lynx point) have already been vaccinated and taken to pet adoptions. They are both sweet, handleable kittens. She is much more of a cuddler than he is, but both allow themselves to be picked up and petted without putting up a fight. The grey is personable, but still pretty feral, he’s a flirt, and wants someone to talk to him, but doesn’t want to be touched, and is, of those 3, the mighty hunter… he regularly brought snakes and birds to the porch to show me, and there is a woman in the area who adopts cats to control critters around her barns, and he has a home there. I realize that this is the best option for them, but it was terribly hard for me to give them up, I suspect largely because they’ve been such a little spot of joy in my world lately, when it has seemed otherwise very dark. My situation is forcing me to give up so much, both physical possessions, but also my independence, and my lifestyle, and giving them up is one more thing that I am having to give up. I’m not nearly done packing, but most of what MUST go with me is packed, other than electronics that I’m not going to disconnect until the morning of the move.

Moving on

It’s been a rough several months. I’ve had good days and bad days, but more and more the bad days are beginning to overwhelm the good ones. I have had to make some decisions that, frankly, it pisses the hell out of me that I even have to consider! I realize that I am not the only one in the world looking for a job, and I realize that the lack of response to my resume and application submissions is not a personal attack, It does, however annoy the crap out of me that I did the “smart” thing and got my Bachelor’s degree. Not that it has done me a damned bit of good, thankyouverymuch. In the current economic climate, in the industry I have chosen, it is almost a liability, in that it’s not related to my field, and it really doesn’t add to my abilities or skills in my work. For months I have been trying to stay afloat and keep my head above water, but it’s become more than I can do in my current situation. As much as I love my house, I just can’t afford it. Fortunately, I have awesome friends who have offered me a place in their home. It means I have to SERIOUSLY downsize and liquidate a LOT of what I own. It means I will have to adjust to living with other people again. My cats will have to adjust to just one room in which to roam, rather than a whole house. On the one hand, it’s a great chance to start fresh, in sort of a new place, but not so far from family and friends that I feel lost. On the other hand, I’m scared spitless, largely because the last 2 people I lived with who were non-relatives were friends at some point, but by the time the living together ended, the friendship was either over, or stretched VERY thin. I have to trust that this is the right thing to do, and that it will turn out to be a blessing, and the beginning of a new chapter in my life. My goal is to have what I want in my room, and the cats moved by the first of November, and by the middle of November have sorted through everything else to sequester what is going to be moved to storage so I can have a moving/estate sale, instead of just a garage sale, because I think it will get me more $ to pay for the storage.

Surprise! Part Deux

Back in January, I posted an entry about a formerly close friend. I replied to that email, and while I did give her a brief update on the high points of my world at the time (I left out the part about being annoyed by the leech), I didn't give her my current phone number, because, well, I wasn't ready for her to have that much ability to get into my world. Since then, I have gotten exactly 2 emails from her, both general forwards with no personal notes at all. Today, there popped into my inbox, an email from her practically begging me to take her in so she doesn't have to go out onto the streets because her current situation, with a cousin, is just not working out, whatever the hell that means, and there's no room at her dads. She's got a part time job for like 3 days this month and some interviews set up, but from the sounds of things, no steady income. I suppose that for too long I've been too nice or something. Somehow it's as if I'm expected to take in every stray that comes across my path. Yeah, well, the leech took care of that for all you strays out there! NEVER AGAIN am I going to share my space with anyone other than a husband or life partner, who will be equally responsible for the lease and bills! AND, if I was going to take in someone, it would be someone who is truly my friend, and is actually interested interested in spending time with me and talking to me just because we are friends, rather than because I can do something for them. I cannot devote any more time to people that suck the energy and joy out of my world. I have enough drama on my own, so please don't try to involve me in yours, k?thanks On the up side, I have an iterview tomorrow with a staffing agency for a position that is about half the distance I used to have to drive to the job I loved in Dallas. I'm figuring on about 2.5 hours or so tomorrow late morning/early afternoon to get that taken care of. I have had a couple of other nibbles on my resumes that are posted, but somehow I don't get how "Administrative Assistant or Office Manager" translates into Sales Associate. I list NO SALES EXPERIENCE on my resume or skills. I specifically state that I am looking for an office position, why the HELL are you emailing me about the Assistant Manager position for your retail store? GAAAH OK, off to bed so tomorrow I won't have bags under my eyes

SURPRISE!

Several months ago, I had to make a really hard decision to eliminate someone who had once been a close friend from my world. I just couldn’t bear to watch her continue to make choices that I believed then, and actually, still do believe, would lead to her demise. We’d been friends for, oh, somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 years by that time. We’d been through multiple major events, including an accident that could have claimed her life or left her paralyzed or crippled, and several years later, the deaths of our mothers within a year of each other. The last time I actually spoke to her was in October of 2007, and at that time I learned that she’d lied to me, and possibly to the courts. She was, I suspect, intoxicated at the time of our conversation. I knew then that I would have to put some distance between us, because despite the warnings that I am certain were sent by whatever higher power anyone chooses to believe in, she continued to engage in self destructive behaviors, as well as maintain a relationship with a passive-aggressive jerk. I reached a point that I was just plain tired of watching people I love die. Periodically, I would get some silly email forward from her, but rarely did I get anything substantial from her, until June of 2008, when she emailed to say she was going to marry the jerk. I couldn’t even answer that email, because I’d told her until I was tired of repeating myself that I don’t like him, I don’t want to be around him, and I believe that they are bad for each other. And how do you tell someone you once considered one of your best friends that, well, you want her to be happy but you won’t be celebrating the marriage. At some point after that, she lost her job. I don’t know the story there, other than the company didn’t want her to leave when she moved to Austin, and was eager to hire her back when she moved back from Austin. In the ensuing months, I grieved over the loss of the friendship, and I grieved for the fact that I might never know what happened to her. It broke my heart, and it still pains me, though I know that I’m not the person that she knew the last time we saw each other (September ’07). I am stronger, more self assured, and in general, in a better place. Imagine my surprise this afternoon when I opened my email and found a message from her. It was a bit of a nutshell sort of thing, with no real answers or explanations. Sure, it started with “sorry I couldn’t get in touch with you sooner.” And ended with “if you life isn’t too hectic I’d love to hear from you.” In between there was also an “I wish I could talk to you” in the middle somewhere. I’m torn, between shooting her an email telling her exactly what I think about the way she treated me, ignoring her, and coming up with something in between. I will probably wind up emailing her, but telling her that there is just too much water under the bridge to pick up where we left off. I just don’t trust her anymore. I’d like to have my friend back, but not if it’s the friend that got lost. The one I want back is the one that I had, oh, 7 years or so back, not the one that came back to FW from Austin. *sigh* I just can’t make those sorts of decisions quickly. My health and well-being are paramount to me, and emotionally, that has meant not having her in my world for awhile. I don’t know if I’m quite ready to have her back in it. I’m going to sleep on it for a few days and maybe make a decision over the weekend.

ok so I'm not so good

Ok, so yeah, I suck at this blogging thing sometimes. The last month has brought a lot of activity. The beginning of August, I hosted a house concert for Marc Gunn’s latest cat CD. Big fun for about a dozen folks. I think the cats had a good time too. Princess Rhonda sprawled where everyone could see her, but wouldn’t try to touch her. Leo hid, as it is his firm belief that everyone was here to get him. Bowbits, little attention whore that she is, just wandered about the room from person to person, collecting all the rubs and scratches she could. The weekend after that, I acquired a roommate when a friend moved back to TX and needs a place to get back on her feet. The last time I lived with anyone other than my mother was 1986. Fortunately there’s enough space in the house for both of us. We are still adjusting, but we’ll get there. Last weekend, I had my first public bellydance performance. Happily, I didn’t have any problems, other than a small last minute change to my costume in order to cover up my backpiece and not be breaking the ‘no visible tattoos’ rule that our studio has. My sister, roommate, cousins, and a couple of friends made it out to watch me, which was cool. This past week was crazy busy. On Monday night, my very best friend, Darla, and her 2 boys came in for a couple of days before going on to see her stepmother. 3 adults, a 17 year old, and a 20 month old make for a full house!!! Tuesday night Darla & I got a wee bit toasted. Note to self, Bunratty’s Meade is AWESOME, but dayum it will kick your ass!!!! We had to go shopping for school clothes on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then Thursday they headed east to the next stop, which was supposed to be a 2 night stay near her stepmother. Turns out that she was lied to about accommodations, and therefore needed to get a motel room, at $75/night. Between not being able to afford more than one night, and the fact that the women she was visiting chain smokes despite her COPD, emphysema, and 24/7 oxygen tank, which made Darla & our big boy sick, it was a 1 night stay and they were back here by Friday night 11:30. This next week will be a busy one as well, since I’ve still got to pack for PARF next weekend!!!! Coming, hopefully in the next few days, a handful of reviews on the CD’s I’ve gotten lately…. Teribus, Killdares, Rathkeltair, Marc Gunn…..