Success & Re-evaluation

As Christmas creeps ever closer, I am having good days and bad days, and gradually the good are beginning to outnumber the bad. In the past year the circumstances have forced me to step back and re-evaluate my life, and what's truly important. I had truly become complacent, and lost sight of the direction I was headed. I lost sight of ME, in my drive to be helpful, and a 'good friend' and somewhere along the line, I forgot that not only am I a good friend, I have some very good friends as well.
My success is not measured by the number of people that I rescue or help, nor is it measured by the work I do. I am a good person, a good friend, and sometimes shit happens, deserved or not. I am in the process of starting over, from the lowest I have ever been. Everything I own could be packed into a 10x20 storage building. Growing up, it seemed that everyone around me had more than we did. Oh, we were not poor, by any means, but we did live fairly modestly, and didn't have a lot of modern material things, or the latest gadgets, but I also understood that THINGS were just that, and that possessions don't equate with happiness, love, or contentment. Even as an adult, I have tended to purchase items I really want, after considering my options, AND whether or not I truly want to invest my money into a particular item, rather than competing to keep up with the Jones', Smith's, or anyone else. Sure, I have many things that truly are luxury items, rather than necessities, and very few of them are collecting dust from disuse.

I have never been in this situation before… I always had Mom to fall back on, in the event of a crisis, but not this time. I have had to reach out and ask for help, which has always been hard for me to do, whether it was schoolwork, or moving. I suppose that my mother and grandmother did a bit too good of a job teaching me to be self-reliant and not allow myself to become dependent on anyone else, because having to ask for help makes me feel weak, helpless, and like a failure, when that it truly not the case. The failure that I have experienced in the last 18 months or so is not truly MY failure, it is the failure of other people to do the right and moral thing. My only failing is in being too trusting and trying to provide a safety net. I have long considered myself blessed to have friends that I can trust, and while this year has shifted where some of those friends are on the true and reliable friend spectrum, I see a much clearer picture of many of those people that have shifted. And, truth be told, I've discovered a level to some of the relationships in my life that is much stronger than I imagined it was, and for that, I am grateful.

Over the weekend, I closed a chapter that a year ago, I would never have dreamed would close as it did, when I turned the keys over to the house that I once thought I would eventually purchase. It was a great size for me, and while there were a few little quirks about it, it could have been truly perfect for me, had I ever managed to sort through all the crap that I had been either carrying around for the last 7 years, but also that which I accumulated in the 19 months that I lived there, so that I could organize effectively. On my way out the door, after walking through with my friend and landlord, I smudged the whole house with a sage stick, in an effort to cleanse any negative energy still floating around and leave it with a clean slate. I am hopeful that closing that chapter, and the negativity that ultimately I came to have to live with while I was there will free me to move on to bigger and better things. I am truly blessed by the fact that while my living situation is far from perfect, it is MUCH closer to perfect than what many people have, as I do know where I will lay my head each night, and I know where my next meal will come from, and I can have my cats with me.

This will not be an easy journey, finding my way back to where I should be, emotionally, and physically, not to mention spiritually. Christmas, Yule, Chanukkah, each have their own traditions and ideas, yet somehow they work together, at least in my little head. I think that the most prevalent theme across all 3 is Light. Winter Solstice (Yule) celebrates the longest night of the year, which then gives rise to lengthening periods of light during the day. Chanukkah celebrates the 8 nights of light provided by only one night's worth of oil. Christmas the birth of Christ, believed to be the light of the world. I've been perhaps not in full darkness, but certainly not fully in the light that is available, sometimes by my own choice, sometimes as a result of the depression that does run in my family, sometimes simply because the combination of depression and other people's choices which affect me directly become overwhelming, and in an effort to not hurt the people around me, I withdraw into the darkness in order to try and find a little peace.

Tonight's list of things I am grateful for (aside from the obvious warm bed and a safe roof over my head)

1. Friends and family that loves and accepts me for who I am, and not what I can do for them, or anyone else.
2. Knowledge that I do not have to be perfect in anyone's eyes, and that striving to be so hurts me more than it does anyone else
3. The ability and willingness to measure my success by its own yardstick, independent of material or superficial things or events

And on that note, it is off to bed with my sleepy little brain.

KITTENS & Other Ramblings

A few days ago, noticed a mama cat in my back yard with a couple of kittens. Now, if you ask me, there's not much that's cuter than tiny little kittens romping, so of course I had to grab my camera. I took a few shots from inside the house, but being the cat person that I am, I just HAD to go outside. As long as I stayed on the patio, they eyed me warily, but didn't run to hide.

When I started to get a little closer, 2 of the kittens got inside some cinderblocks that are stacked on the platform at the back of my small shed, while the 3rd went to the side of the shed that's at the back of the yard, where it butts up near the fence. Mama went over to the corner behind the big shed. When I put my camera above the cinderblocks, the little grey kitten got quite ferocious, as I heard the tiniest little HISS coming from that opening.

Headed for safety You can't see us. Can you?? I'm sooo sleeeepy

Yesterday on my way home from running a few errands, I picked up some kitten chow, and when I went out to put it where they could get to it, Mama did lots of hissing, and stayed between the babies and me, but by the time I was back inside the house, she was gobbling down the food. Pretty soon the Tuxedo joined her, and in a few minutes, here came Grey. I never saw Creamy eating that day, other than nursing. Before they left the dish, they'd eaten every bite, and Mama had turned the dish over to make sure it was empty. This morning that scenario was repeated.

Naptime! Look at those little black toe pads!

This evening, I took out a different bowl, that is better suited to feeding and watering kittens. I saw everybody eat some, including Creamy, and there's still a pretty good bit left in the bowl. Perhaps Mama's decided that I won't take away what doesn't get eaten. They've moved from between the sheds to under the pool deck, which is closer to the food, and the kittens can get to the food without having to go across any of the open lawn, so I'm guessing that maybe she feels more secure there.

I have emailed Feral Friends and am hoping to work with them to trap all 4, socialize the kittens, have everybody spayed/neutered, and adopt out everyone who is deemed adoptable. I have a friend interested in Creamy, and another interested in Tuxedo, which just leaves Mama & Grey. I suspect, based on how quickly Mama seems to have accepted my presence, that she's a first generation feral, and I think she's not more than a year old, so perhaps she can be socialized (separately from her kittens) and be adopted as well, but we shall have to wait and see.

Tomorrow may be traumatic for everybody, as my landlord is coming to pump water off the cover of the pool, and in the evening I have friends coming over for a cookout. Hot as it is, though, I suspect that the only time there will be very many outside will be while we are actually cooking, and the 3 or 4 smokers will be in and out, I'm sure, but we are all animal people, and most of us familiar with ferals so I think we'll be able to ignore them and Mama won't freak out or anything.

My morning was a busy one, as I had to be in Arlington at 11 for a sorority meeting. It was my last meeting for awhile, as I've decided that I need to take a leave of absence. Beta Sigma Phi has been good for me, and frankly is largely the reason that I am the person that I am today. In 1990, when I pledged, I was 23, introverted, and had some self esteem issues. Seriously, when we were told to think about which offices we might be interested in, the following went through my head: "OK, President is out because I'm not pretty enough. Vice President is out because, well, that entails calling people I don't know and inviting them to a meeting NOT! Treasurer is out because I'm a math moron" I decided that I could be a pretty good secretary, whether it be Recording or Corresponding. Every time I had to call roll and read the minutes, I shook like a leaf, and was pretty sure my voice sounded all shaky. When it was my turn to lead the program, I thought I might faint. I spent a little over a year in that chapter before I moved away. It was several months before I found another chapter, but that is the chapter in which I blossomed. I think perhaps part of it was that I was the only chapter member (aside from our 2 Advisors) that had experienced Beta Sigma Phi from the standpoint of a member, rather than a legacy, as well as being the oldest (by a year or two) in the chapter, so the ladies looked to me for leadership. By the time I left that chapter several years later, my absolute favorite office to hold (and I'd held all of them by then) was Vice President, because I believed in the organization and what it stands for, and I loved being able to share it. I was not involved for several years, partially because of the circumstances under which I left, and partially because I had enough other stuff going on that I didn't feel I could devote the time that I felt I should. A few years ago notified International that I thought I would like to be involved again, and they put me on the transferee list that is sent to chapters in the area. I received calls from a couple of chapters in town and visited both. The first one I knew one of the ladies, because we'd been next door neighbors when I was living with Mom, and after she died, while I was still in her house. Unfortunately, at that time, she was the youngest in that chapter, and she was 15 years or so older than I am. The other chapter I visited had a wide age range, and I discovered that one of the ladies also enjoys Scarborough Faire. I joined that chapter and enjoyed it very much for several years. Like all groups of women, we had our fair share of drama and issues. Over the years, it seemed to escalate and I started feeling that most people were going along with what one or two wanted just to keep the peace. A few people transferred to another chapter in the area that they felt would better meet their needs, for whatever reasons. I stuck it out, probably longer than I should have, but last year, when I moved to my current house, I found myself about 15 miles from my nearest sorority sister, and easily an hour from the one who is the farthest from me. Gradually it became a chore for me to make it to meetings, and eventually, I was having to choose between making a meeting and getting up and making it to work the next day. My Leave of Absence is not a full and complete departure from the chapter, but rather a hiatus. I think that if I elect not to become active after a year's leave, I become a Member at Large. We'll see how I feel in 6 months or a year.

A couple of years ago, one of my sorority sisters introduced me the the International Wenches Guild and a whole new group of friends that have become very much like family to me. Now, if not for Beta Sigma Phi, I would not only have the confidence that I have, but I would not have found the IWG. Since I became a wench, I have again blossomed, and have really come to fully appreciate myself and all of my quirks.

that's enough random musing I think for tonite. Tomorrow's a busy day