Witty Title Here

I wish I could tell you that this was going to be an exciting or witty post, but, in all fairness, it's probably not.
Today would have been my kid brother's 41^st birthday, had he made better choices 22 years ago AND survived the military action that was going on at the time, since he was a United States Marine. This fact is not particularly relevant to anything else I have to say today, it's just a little tidbit I thought I'd toss out there. 

In the last couple of weeks since my last post, I've been working on getting paperwork together for a couple of things.

1. SNAP (AKA Food stamps)—I've been approved, pending paperwork processing, which, really, I've turned in already, and am now just waiting to get notified that the money has been put onto my card. I can only purchase non-taxable food items, which is fine with me. Since I have been a responsible person and not had any children that I cannot afford to support, I am limited to 3 months of assistance every 3 years unless I am working at least 30 hours a week, earning minimum wage or more. The problem I have with this plan is that if I had a job, even at minimum wage, I would not so desperately need the assistance! The past twenty-odd years that I have been working and paying taxes which support this very program that will provide seemingly unlimited assistance to women who prefer to keep having children that they cannot feed mean nothing when I am the one needing assistance, apparently.
2. Workforce Investment Act—I have been approved to get into the program, and I had to apply for a Pell Grant, even though there is funding available from the state to pay for my schooling. I was denied the Pell, because, well, I have a Bachelor's Degree, which, after spending $25K of loan money, plus 4 years worth of Pell Grant, is not actually worth the paper upon which it is printed. I've left a couple of messages for the coordinator of the program at the Workforce Center, and expect to hear back from her tomorrow.

I have resigned myself to living with a catbox on a table at the end of the bed, since it will save my mattress, as well as wear and tear on the sheets and mattress protector. My body is adjusting to sleeping on plastic tablecloths between the mattress & mattress pad (yes, I'll take all the defense I can get against cat pee on my 2 year old, $900 mattress!).
I've been working on my faire calendar, and hoping that I'll have managed to come up with some money to spend, at least for admission, at said faires. First up is Middlefaire, which will likely be the first weekend of October. It's sort of become a tradition for some of us who have birthdays that first week to celebrate at Middlefaire that weekend. The following weekend I'm hoping to be able to make it down to TRF for their opening weekend with friends that are planning to go then. It seems that as long as I'm living here at Castle Wford, sharing responsibility for HoBBiTcaTs & WaveorgoNaked,Sphynx either I can be gone, or the roomies can be gone, but we can't all be gone a full weekend at the same time. I'm planning to make Dickens on The Strand again this year, which makes missing the 3 day weekend at TRF easier to bear, cuz I really don't need to be gone two weekends in a row, and the roomies will be in Corpus for Thanksgiving, so I'm staying closer to home. I hear that there are a couple of Pirate invasions planned at a local garden area, but don't have dates on those yet.
I'm also brainstorming ideas to make this space a little more interesting (thus drawing more readers and hopefully ultimately some advertising revenue), as well as helping to give me a goal to meet each week… maybe a photo of the day, recipe, quote, or something, I just haven't figured out what I really want to do, other than aimless rambling. Any ideas would be most appreciated!
 

Trying to get better

I'd gotten pretty lazy about posting, I suspect, mostly because I was too tired to do anything by the time I got home from work. Now that I'm back out on the jobhunt again, perhaps I will get better about keeping up with my thoughts and ideas for posts. I've decided to break my Fibro posts off to a separate blog, more to consolidate them and keep them a little more organized for me, than anything else.
A lot has been going on, and this may wind up being a much more rambling post than originally planned, but hey, I've got a good bit to put into words, and it's my blog, so I can do that…
Scarborough:
For the past 8 years or so (admittedly only the past 3 of them full runs), Scarby has been a place of magic and joy for me. It's been an escape. Home. Family. Comfort. Love. Acceptance. Magic and Music. I knew going in that this year would be different, several acts that I enjoy are missing, either entirely or present only in limited runs. There has been some drama that affected me indirectly. My funds have been limited. Opening weekend there was an almost eerie silence in Pecan Grove. My schedule is all messed up. Oh, that's right, I don't have a schedule this year, because my favorite performing friends aren't on shire. I have never been at Scarby without full time bagpipe shows. Sure there's a piper in parade every day, but since I am not about to put myself into the Death March, I get about 5 minutes of bagpipes as the Scottish Regiment goes by. Even if I was willing to do the Death March, walking a mile over the course of almost ½ hour, hearing the same bit of tune on endless loop would likely put me off the pipes for a bit! I've adjusted over the past 4 weekends to the lack of pipes, and that's not nearly as annoying as it was the first weekend, but overall, the energy of the festival is just off somehow. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. Vendors have moved, or been removed. Some of the new additions have been umm, questionable. I've elected to forego even walking into one of my favorite shoppes as a result of behavior exhibited by one of the owners at another festival. The last 2 seasons, I've not missed a single day. This year, I'm only going to make 1 full weekend of the remaining 4, the rest I will miss one of the days, in an effort to conserve $, gas, and make sure I can make my #1 boy's HS graduation over Memorial Day weekend. Surprisingly, it's not as heart wrenching as I thought it would be to begin with… perhaps on some level, without the usual magic, it just doesn't seem as if I'm giving up as much as I would have, say last season…
Work:
When I started the job in February, I was excited about the possibilities and opportunities I believed were opening to me. The early mornings and long days were hard to adjust to, getting up at 5 a.m. so I could leave by 6 and be at work by 7, and not getting home until 6:30, IF I didn't have any stops to make, but worth it in the end since I had 3 day weekends every week. I adjusted, and I thought things were going along just fine. A couple of weeks ago, I was assigned to go out into the field with an inspector, to give me a better understanding of that side of the work the company does. Monday and Tuesday were fine… not terribly warm, poles we had to check were not difficult to access. Wednesday, we had to go to a site that had 3 poles in a river bottom sort of area. I made it down to and up from the first one, huffing and puffing. The grade to get to the 2^nd & 3^rd was just more than I have the balance or stamina for, so I didn't even try. The inspector told me not to worry about it, it's not like I was going to be out in the field anyway. Monday after that (April 26^th), I was called into my manager's office and terminated. I was under a 90-day probationary period, which had not yet passed, so I don't know that I will get approved for unemployment, but we'll see. In the meantime, I am going back to Ebaying, and hunting for a job, and trying to get blogging better. I am also going to look at perhaps making pins or something that I could sell online…
Other stuff:
Last weekend was hard, physically and emotionally. I suspect it was a combination of the stress of the wedding, losing my job, and general blah-ness that made it hard on me. Sometimes I HATEHATEHATE being the strong one. It's been a long time since I was part of a couple. I truly thought I'd gotten past the heartbreak of last fall, when I decided that I would stop beating my head up against a wall that was not ever going to come down. I was wrong. It just annoys the hell out of me that everyone wants to hang with and make sure that the ones who have someone else taking care of them are taken care of… Sometimes I just want to smack them and say "HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?" I don't know what it is about my personality that makes me try to hide my frustration about the situation, but I recognize that I do need to work on being more honest about what's really going on in my head or heart when someone asks me what's wrong, instead of just saying "meh, I'm tired"

Sherwood Forest Faire Opening Day

I would have loved to have been able to gather my thoughts last night, as soon as I got back home and get this post written, however, that just wasn't happening, since I'd been up 19 hours, after less than 4 hours of sleep, so I was in no condition to do anything except fall into bed! We had great intentions of getting to bed early so we could get up at 4:30 (AKA the buttcrack of o'DARKthirty), in order to be on the road by 5:30, since we knew we had a nearly 4 hour drive, and wanted to be there by at least 30 minutes before cannon at 10, but umm, yeah, it was after midnight by the time we finally settled down to go to sleep. It took us right at 4 hours, because, well, we had to stop and get donuts for breakfast, and there was one bathroom stop on the way down due to the fact that when you combine 2 wenches, both of whom are 1. Sleep deprived, 2. Faire deprived, and 3. Sugar powered, courtesy of Dr Pepper & Donuts without sufficient protein to balance out the sugar/carbs, what you get is a serious case of the giggles, and a desperate need for the privy in about 3 hours. We wound up taking a different route than planned, thinking that perhaps it might be faster… it wasn't, but we made it, and before cannon, though barely.
Going into my review, let me say that I've been going to faire regularly (annually, for a weekend a year, at least) for about 8 years or so, and have had a pass of some sort (FOF, Season, or Participant) for the past 4. Relatively speaking, my experience with different faires is limited, though I try to get to a new faire each year. I've done Scarby (HOME), Middlefaire, TRF, Carolina, Four Winds, PARF, MDRF, Sterling, and now Sherwood. After Sherwood, the youngest of those are Middlefaire and Four Winds. Obviously they are all different, with pros and cons of each.
The parking lot is decent enough in size, though it's pretty sandy terrain, and probably could benefit from a layer of gravel, at least in the parking rows… the drives to those rows are pretty well packed down, but a little rain could easily make the exit from the spaces a HUGE issue because they aren't packed down. My only real complaint is that the handicapped parking is NOT the rows nearest the gate, but is on the far side of the entry drive, instead. We didn't take Brunhilda, Doc's scooter because she's broken, but even if we had, the whole site is not fully accessible with a scooter, because of the sandy terrain, and for people who can't walk well, it's truly not a prime parking space.
There was a great crowd out there. Sherwood's been very well publicized, both to the public, and the rennie community, which resulted in a fabulous turn out. There are also no other TX faires on right now, which is great planning, IMHO. We had a mission, to get into the gates and directly to a stage, since our friend Marc was playing at 10:15, and well, we hadn't seen him since Scottish Fest last summer! We made it, easily, and happily, for Marc, there was a decent little crowd at that first show. Of course, many of us are diehard fans, so, yeah, we were pretty loud.
The site is wonderful, to say the least. Most of the vendor booths are permanent structures, as are all of the food booths. Since I've just been back to work for a week, and haven't gotten paid, I didn't do much shopping, other than window shopping, but I saw lovely things, familiar, and new. There are finishing touches to be done on a few things, several vendors weren't fully stocked yet, or booths weren't quite as finished out as they could be, but overall everything was terrific. I honestly didn't get to several places on the shire, but from the looks of what I DID see, this is a fabulous faire, destined for a wonderful future. The owners have been awesome about inviting folks out over the last couple or 3 years that they've been working on the site and getting things going, to see what the plans and progress were, which, while it did get them free labor, it also gave a lot of folks a feeling of being appreciated by faire management, as well as being a part of the building of a fabulous shire. The size of the shire is comparable to Carolina, Scarby, Sterling, PARF & MDRF. TRF is significantly larger, and both Four Winds & Middlefaire are a good bit smaller.
We had a beautiful day, having taken a variety of cloaks (rain & warmth) in order to help make sure we weren't too cool or too warm. By the time that we were getting ready to go, it was cooling down and we were ready to get into the warm car. Overall, plusses, for me, anyway, are

1. lots of shade and dappled sunshine
2. a good variety of vendors, with permanent structures
3. porta-FLUSHIES in addition to standard porta-pots
4. lots of stages in lots of areas
5. swings available for many ages
6. showers & flushies in camping (at least that's what I hear, since I didn't camp)

Minuses

1. poor handicapped parking options
2. sandy parking areas (driving rows were well packed, but the actual parking spaces were not packed & very sandy)
3. not enough packed pathways in the shire, rendering a lot of areas inaccessible for anyone with mobility issues
4. not enough seating spots, especially around food areas
5. not enough trash receptacles throughout the shire
6. signage was either hard to see, or non-existent, for directions, etc. as far as within the site, all of the shade is wonderful, but it does create a darkness, which means signs need to have more light colors on them.
7. I would have liked to have seen a few more familiar acts, but in all honesty, I didn't see but 2 acts from start to finish, and bits of a couple of others, however I do realize that it takes $ to draw more well known acts, AND that there are at least 2 other major faires which have claimed a number of the big names, so I am hopeful that in future seasons I will be able to see more of my favorites there

A variety of our friends and acquaintances from Scarby and other faires were there, and we had a great time in general. I'm sore today, and I'm sure that tomorrow will be much worse, but I'll get through it, and am trying to figure out $ and whether or not I can get back down there in a couple of weeks for another visit.
Tomorrow I will hopefully get finished with my post about my new job that started last week…. Oh, and get all my links created in here... brain dead righzzzzzzzzzzzz

Projects

                                                                       

Ok, I’ve not posted much of late, but I have been a bit busy with a couple of projects, and, of course the job search. One of my fellow Wenches, like so many others, is an amazing seamstress, and has aspirations of being a custom seamstress, and she offered to teach some of us some of her secrets. First up was a corset. Specifically, a corset meant to be worn as the foundation garment that they are actually supposed to be… Amazingly, her own such corset seems to have some sort of magic, as it fit several of us, all of varying heights & girths amazingly well, and our individual patterns required minimal tweaking from hers. It did take a couple of us some trial and error, as we didn’t think to take notes (as someone else took them and offered to type them up and email them, though that has not happened yet), but eventually we got them finished. Well, some of them are finished. One is still waiting on grommets, because someone who was told they could borrow 3, wasn’t told that the ones in the baggie (the only ones I could find in the house) were set aside for the corset. My corset is FAR from perfect, and it probably won’t get worn much, but I did learn that I CAN make one, successfully. I also suspect that I am going to want more boning than what is in there… (they are relatively narrow, and made from ¼” fish tape, cut to length). It’s not particularly pretty, however since it’s an undergarment, it doesn’t have to be beautiful, necessarily.

I also think that my layer that pads between the outer layer and the boning layer is a bit too thick and, umm, fluffy.

  

I also think that for an outer corset or bodice, I want it to be a bit longer in the front. That corset or bodice is going to be an ongoing project, as I have a vision in my head of how I can create covers to go over it for a couple of specific outfits that I only wear once a season, and just can’t justify a whole corset or bodice for that one day. 

In May, I am in a wedding, which, while it won’t actually take place at Scarborough, it will be part of our faire day, and I’ve got an Irish dress to make for it. The fabric is purchased, as is the interfacing, and the thread. Pretty much I have to get it made, get the boning, and the grommets/lacing for it. My biggest issue with all the Irish dresses I’ve tried on, is that they land in such a spot that my tummy pooches way out and, well, makes me look about 5 months pregnant. Yeah, NOT a look I want to have, thanks. I’ve been told by 2 different seamstresses that I can adjust the waist of the dress to drop farther down, and not have that look. I’m going to try on the one that I already have, with my corset under it and see what I think of the look, before I get out the muslin and start mocking up the pattern with any adjustments I think it needs, before I start cutting on the real fabric. We’ve got a pattern, however it seems to be pretty much a front lacing bodice with a skirt attached to it, so I may just use my corset pattern and make adjustments on that.

My other new project is still ongoing. For some reason I got a bee in my bonnet about learning blackwork embroidery. I’ve had more than one person tell me I’ll go blind doing it, and I just might, but I’m going to give it a shot. Once upon a time I did a good bit of counted cross-stitch, and actually quite enjoyed it. I bought a piece of waste canvas when I was at Joann’s yesterday, and some black floss. I found an awesome site at Blackwork Archives with some not terribly difficult patterns, cut a piece of waste canvas to the size of the simplest pattern, basted it onto a white hanky, and started this little quest.

Now, I’m not sure what I am going to ultimately do with the skill, since I wear essentially peasant or pirate garb, it’s not like I have a court gown to wear with a blackworked chemise, but I guess we’ll see where it goes. The corner of the hanky that I did finish is a decent enough job for the first time out, I think. My next piece of waste canvas will be 14 count, rather than 10, as I think the 10 is resulting in a bit of a big design. I also am going to work on learning to stitch evenly, without the canvas, so that I don’t have to spend a lot of $ on waste canvas, and because the waste canvas is a bit of a pain in the ass to get pulled out of the stitching.

I LOVE digging through the remnant bins at Joann’s, and even at our local WalMart, which is one of the few that still has a decent fabric department. I’ve managed to score, in the past few days, several pieces of twill or duck cloth in 53” or 54” widths, each just about a yard, for between a buck and 2.50 each! Yep, I’m gathering fabric that I can use for either bone casings, or corset layers. I am always on the hunt for bargains, and I’m pretty sure my fabric is going to outgrow my tote AND my shelf in our cabinet. I am going to try to only keep current project fabric in the cabinet, to avoid cluttering it up, but we’ll see what shakes out.

I just don't understand

how anyone manages to get a job in the internet age. I have submitted literally HUNDREDS of resumes and applications. I have had a grand total of, well, let's count them up here, 2 phone interviews, one of which led to an in-person interview, and a whopping 7 in-person interviews, including the one I already mentioned as coming after the phone interview, and counting the 2 I had for a position that was apparently not ever intended to be permanent, though they led me to believe that it was. I have submitted resumes and made phone calls to every reputable staffing/temp agency in the area. Yeah, I actually managed to get in to see ONE of them, now they won't call me back, or answer emails. Even the ones with whom I spoke with a person, I couldn't get an appointment to go in and speak to someone or do performance testing. TX Workforce has told me that I MUST consider positions that pay 25% less than what I was making, which was about 20% below the average according to every salary calculator I can find, INCLUDING THEIR OWN. Frankly, the TX Workforce job board hasn't done SHIT for me, except get me a job for 6 days, which I was led to believe was a PERMANENT position. I have completed my profile as completely as possible, including all of my experience, regardless of whether or not it is in my current field. If I'm lucky, on any given day, I get 3 'MATCHES', and my browse pulls up 75 jobs within a hundred mile radius. The 'matches' are actually jobs that are allegedly within my skill set, however more often than not, instead of an "accounting/billing clerk" they are looking for a CPA. UMM, yeah NOT a match. Or they are 90 miles away. The browse feature pulls up 75 jobs, and guess what? 60 or more of them are VETERANS ONLY. WTF? My profile clearly states that I am NOT a veteran, so why are these included? Take out the ones that are more than 30 miles (and thus over an hours commute by car), and I'm down to maybe 5. Take out the ones that are for legal or medical secretaries, accountants, HR generalists, and other specific administrative support positions, and well, if I'm lucky, there is ONE option left for me to apply for. I have put in applications at the area grocery stores, big box stores, and various other retail outlets. You have NO IDEA how tired I am of hearing "we aren't actually hiring right now, but we'll keep your application on file"! Every time I think I am past being angry about this whole situation, something pops up that has been part of my normalcy, but now it can't be, since I don't have a fucking job, and I can't collect fucking unemployment because someone LIED about how things were handled, and the state believed them! I realize that the anger doesn't hurt anyone except me, and I really am trying to get past it, but a person can only take so much rejection before they start really taking it personally. I realize that it is not my place to judge other people, and that sending negativity out into the world does not do anyting except increase negativity, but sometimes I really hope that what comes around goes around, and those who wronged me will eventually suffer something that leaves them feeling as lost and desperate as I have begun to. I recognize that I have awesome friends who love me and give me all the support that they can, and I am unbelievably grateful for that. I have had to seriously re-evaluate a lot of my relationships this year, and while I have always known that in general, I don't have a lot of friends who are the friend to me that I am to them, admitting to the fact that several of them I've long considered to be relatively equally give/take relationships are really not, no matter what I try to delude myself into believing. Over the weekend, I had my first birthday party in many years. Certainly the first since I've been grown, that wasn't hosted by me. There are 3 of us who have birthdays within 6 days. A large group of us had a plan to go to Middlefaire on Sunday, it's last day of the season. Unfortunately, rains came on Friday and Saturday that turned the parking lot and festival site into a major mud pit, and Saturday evening they decided to cancel Sunday's festivities. Already planned for after faire, was a birthday dinner, hosted by the birthday boy's parents, for the 3 of us. In the end, we spend the day with most of the originally planned group in Weatherford and then went to the dinner party afterwards. God bless MJ, for remembering my food sensitivities and making sure that in addition to her seafood gumbo there were a couple of other soup options, plus chicken salad, fresh fruit, tossed salad, and A-MAZ-ING pimento cheese bread! This coming weekend I would dearly LOVE to be going to TRF for opening, and to see my favorite Bard, Marc Gunn, as I've done for the last couple of years. But OH NO, I got screwed out of my job, and out of unemployment benefits, so I can't justify spending the $ to go, even to ride down with someone else and use a discount ticket. I'm sure I'll have a fine time out at Screams, with the crew up here that's doing that instead of TRF, using a free ticket, but it still makes me angry that I've had to make all the adjustments I've had to make, over some bullshit

The End of a Season

Last week I posted about the end of faire, and you know, well, the funk didn't REALLY set in until today. This weekend was Texas Scottish Festival in Arlington. For many of the rennies in the area, myself included, it marks the true end of our Spring Faire season. Often, TSF, which is held beginning the first Friday of June, is the weekend immediately after Scarby closes on Memorial Day. The last couple of years, we've had a weekend to rest in between, which is especially good for the traveling entertainers and vendors who participate in Scarby and TSF both, because they have a weekend in between, instead of getting home (in many cases close to midnight) on Memorial Day Monday, then having to turn around on Friday and come right back again. It occurred to me last night, that there are several people that I've seen a great deal of over the past, ohhh, 3 months, and I (and my cats, to be completely honest) have become accustomed to seeing them every week, or every other week. If I'm able to find work and get things arranged, AND they participate in Dickens on the Strand in December, I will see them again in 6 months. Yeah, that's a REALLY long dry spell. Especially considering that last year, I only had to wait 4 months, then 2 months, then 3 months. Yeah, I'm pretty spoiled to seeing them regularly and I'm going to miss them terribly over the next few months. It's possible that I might see one of them when I go to Sterling next month, but that's kind of a 'cross our fingers and hope we can work it out' sort of situation. I'm pretty sure that there is a meltdown coming in the next several days, so we'll see what happens, right? My weekend began Friday night with my youngest nephew's high school graduation. If I wasn't so puffed up with pride over their accomplishments, I'd be jealous of his and his older brother's brains! Stevie graduated 7th in his class with multiple honors. Yeah, I was really happy to be in the 3rd quarter of my class, I could NEVER have made 7th, and certainly not Valedictorian like his brother did. I was running late, which made the Queen of Early that's inside me absolutely NUTS like nobody's business, but I was NOT the last to arrive! After graduation we went to dinner, and then back to the house, where I gave Stevie my old laptop. I suppose it speaks volumes as to my addiction to my laptop that once I spilled the water on the old one and I couldn't get it to work within a day, I went and replaced it. Now, in my defense, I HAD already been considering upgrading to increase the size of my hard drive, because in a year and a half I'd filled up like 70% of the old one, so it wasn't a totally spur of the moment purchase. Stevie really felt like between all the geeks that live in their house, he could get it up and running again. Yeah, he was in business practically before I got home that night! He's replacing the keyboard module or somesuch thing that I've no clue about, but hey, the computer was revived, he's got a great tool for when he starts college in the fall, and I'm quite happy that despite my unemployment (which DID come AFTER the 'demise' of the laptop) I was able to give him something awesome for graduation. At any rate, it's been a busy weekend, I've either got a low grade fever or a mild sunburn (sunblock nazi FAIL), and I've gotten through today on about 5 hours of sleep, so I think it's off to bed for me. Tomorrow is a trip to Weatherford so my NY sister can meet the awesomeness that is Our Molly (my & tom's sweet little short-legged deaf kitty who lives at Erin's), Thumbelina (Erin's short-legged hairless kitty-a bambino), Blondie (Erin's other Sphynx) and the other kitties that live there.

FunkyTown

Yeah, I'm in a funk, again. It happens every year when faire comes to an end. This year, however, it's been a little harder. Overall, it was a rough season for me, and I'm still working through my feelings about what caused the rough patches. Actually, this evening, I thought I had found a bright spot, but, well, of course as soon as I started to think it might be something good, that rug got yanked. Again. I did learn, also, that it's better for me not to have company for closing weekend. I tend to forget that I seriously need my downtime during the weekend, and the following few days, and I can't do that when I'm having to share my space with company. When faire ends, I really need a few days of nobody in the house except me and the cats, otherwise I get very cranky and negative. There are a handful of people in my world who are ALWAYS negative, and that constant negativity drives me up a wall. That's part of the reason that I hate when I get into these negative cycles. It really bothers me that I am inflicting upon my friends (who I know are just going to love me through it anyway), the very thing that makes me berserk about other people. Effective Sunday, I have no health insurance, so tomorrow's task is to find out whether or not my prescriptions, which are, fortunately, generics, are on any of the local pharmacies' $4/month list or something, so I can continue to take them. On the upside of the past couple of days is the fact that I got my Unemployment Benefit Decision, and I'll collect enough that I'm not going to be homeless, carless, or without utilities, at least for a few months if I don't find something quickly. It's going to mean tightening my belt on some things, and it may drain my savings a bit, but I won't be on the street or anything. Now I'll try to get some sleep, in my quiet house.

Once Again

When I think things are just bopping along fine, someone or something comes along and yanks the rug out from under me. Yesterday, I was fired from my job, with no warning whatsoever. I didn't know that there was a problem with my performance until they told me that they were firing me. It totally pisses me off because I liked that job, and generally I like the people I was working with, but apparently I had a false sense of security. So now I have to get my resume back together. The last time I had to send out resumes my desktop was still working. It has since gotten the blue screen of death, and I'm on my 3rd laptop (first was a gift of an ancient, barely working unit; 2nd was killed by water spillage a few weeks ago). On the upside, I am going to spend this week getting pictures edited from Scarby this season, sorting out my itunes, and finding all the stuff I transferred from the previous laptop and still haven't had time to find and reorganize on this one. Also on the upside, I don't have to take vacation time to leave early friday for faire, and go back down to the site on Tuesday to pick up my cooler, etc. I also have a friend flying in early Thursday afternoon, so now I don't have to leave work early that day, either.

Week 7

Another weekend at faire has come to a close. Yesterday's light but steady rain made for lots of ponds about the shire, slick paths, bogs, and a fairly thin crowd. Today, however, dawned cool (literally, I think it was in the upper 50s when we got out to the site this morning), especially for mid-may. By noon traffic was backed up on the highway for miles, and when I left to head home, all of the rows had been parked as far up as they could possibly be parked. Several vendors said they were having better days than we have recently. That's awesome! I'm hoping that SOMEONE got pics of me, because I sure didn't manage to get anyone to take any, in my new festive pirate outfit, with my feathered hat of awesomeness. On the down side, I kind of thought that I would be better prepared to be seeing some of the people I'm going to see next weekend, but considering the minor meltdown I had on the way home, I'm thinkin' Sunday's gonna be hard.

Weekend #3

This has been a hard weekend for me. My identical twin, AKA Darla came in for faire. This is a weekend that we both look forward to, beginning at cannon on Sunday night when we hit the parking lot to go back to my house so she can head home the following day. As a result of last weekend's trip, I have had to work pretty hard to get the enthusiasm back for us to enjoy our magic. I'm still frustrated about that whole situation, and it's something that I'm going to have to work through, and hope that it turns out well. This time around, the baby stayed home with Daddy for a couple of reasons. 1. big brother had 2 doctors' appointments today and we really didn't need to have to try and corral the baby as well; 2. who wants to corral the toddler at faire, since he won't stay in his stroller or a wagon; 3. Daddy said "he can stay home with me, we'll have a good time". Our days were pretty good, because the big boy had the phone with him, so we didn't get 47 phone calls, as we often do. The evenings, on the other hand, rather than being enjoyable, post faire dinners among friends, have been stressful and annoying because the asshole just HAD to call and prove his dickheadedness. Friday night he was mad because we were out to dinner with a 3 people we know and love that come up from Houston & Galveston, instead of sitting in the motel eating takeout and waiting for him to be good and drunk so he could call her. Saturday night, he was angry because after spending nearly 30 minutes on the phone with him outside the restaurant, she wanted to come in and eat with the rest of us (17 plus me, I think), and THEN when he called 4 more times in the 40 minutes she was inside eating and visiting, she couldn't hear him to talk to him, so he called again as soon as we got out the door & were driving through to get our friend who couldn't make it to dinner with the group something to eat. Yeah, it was UGLY. Last night he finally gave up after about an hour of back & forth bullshit. Today it has been off and on all day, because, well, DAMN, we have to actually be off the phone with him while we are talking to the doctor. Tonight he is pissed off because he doesn't understand why she's mad at him for calling her a bad mother since she needed to actually do something for her work by a specific time, so "no thank you, don't try to make the baby talk to me on the phone, since he's not wanted to talk to me for the last 3 days". Oh holy shit! Yeah, there may be a trip to the sticks in my future for packing and helping to move. In other news, I've had absolutely no response to what I had to do on Thursday night, in an effort to get my heart back, though I've had a bit of feedback. I'm still heartbroken, and in all honesty, it has been literally 8 months since I went this long with no contact, and it is harder than I EVER imagined, but it has to be done. Oh, and on Wednesday, as I was on my way home. I had a small accident, with a little over $4K of damage to my car. Nobody was hurt, and I don't think the truck I hit has nearly the damage that I sustained, but we'll see. Fortunately, my insurance was already renewed for 6 months, so I won't have an increased premium until October. Ok, I think I've done enough rambling and venting, and my alarm will go off in about 6 hours, so I've got to go to bed!

This is not a pretty post

For a great many years, I was absolutely terrified that I would be alone for the rest of my life and that I would never find my life partner. Eventually I reached the point that I was just dandy on my own. That I could be alone without being lonely. Sure there was an empty space in my heart, but I no longer focused on it, and it didn't worry me. A little over a year ago, just as Faire was starting, my circle of friends expanded. This past year has been amazing for me. There have been ups and downs, but overall it's been an awesomely good year. As time went by, what I thought was a mutual interest in a closer friendship and more developed. I did finally work up the nerve to act on it, and while the rejection was as gentle as it could have been, it stung a bit. No worries, I understand the logic an the reasoning at the time. Off and on for the next several months, I thought I was seeing some romantic interest developing, and I would periodically do something stupid, like kiss him when he wasn't expecting it, or try to get him to spend some time alone with me, usually to no avail. I always wound up kicking myself for doing it, because inevitably there was a small rift that was caused, either by his discomfort at me making a move on him, or my brain kicking my ass telling me how stupid I am for trying it because I'm just the plain fat girl that no really good guy is going to want to be alone with anyway. Now, all along, my biggest fear has been that I would completely screw up the whole friendship, and create an uncomfortable situation for not just me, or him and me, or even him, me, and a couple that is comprised of on of his best friends and one of my best friends, but also another 10 or so people that care an awful lot about both of us. Knowing that that would be a horrible thing to have happen, I tried very hard to keep my heart in check and let my head stay in control. Over time, my heart began to win the argument much more often than my brain did... somehow, when i wasn't looking, a piece that seems to fill that empty spot quite well became wedged in there. Oh, I tried not to let it happen, because I didn't want to risk being hurt, or hurting him, or any of our friends. Yeah, that didn't work out so well, and before I knew it, I was head over heels in love. A love that completes me, and makes me feel whole and secure, beautiful and wanted. It wasn't any one thing in particular, or even a specific group of things. He is my first thought in the morning, and my last thought at night, and crosses my mind a thousand times a day, whether we are near each other, or half a continent apart. He makes me smile virtually every day. Everyday things make me think of him, a commercial on the radio, a picture of a white fluffy cat, a random word or phrase. We both suck at face to face, real, verbal communication, and most of our meaningful conversations are either instant messages, texts, or emails. I have a huge fear of rejection, and I have always hated for anyone to see me crying, so I admit to being a chickenshit about demanding answers. I have no idea why he is so averse to having conversations with each other when no one else is around. This past weekend was the one weekend that we would be at faire at the same time without one or the other of us having someone in from out of town to go with us. In retrospect, my expectations and hopes were probably unreasonable, and I know that they were not communicated as well as they should have been, for which I have to accept the blame, however it was a HUGELY disappointing day. I would venture so far as to say it was the worst day I have ever had at faire. Even my favorite musicians didn't salve my aching heart. I had anticipated plenty of time on walkabout with him, exploring the site, and finding the new shoppes in the village and seeing what had been moved around. Now, I knew that we would not be on our own for the whole day, as we have a large group of friends that is in the village most days, but I certainly didn't expect that I would have to settle for less than an hour throughout the entire day. My fear of rejection, coupled with the fact that the times I did touch his shoulder or arm he didn't exactly flinch or pull away, he did tense up a bit, kept me from trying to hold his hand, or walk arm in arm with him. It broke my heart to see him hugging other women in our group, though my brain said "he can hug them because they are attached to someone else, so they are safe for him to hug without worrying that he's sending the wrong message". Seeing other couples all paired up and affectionate made the pit of my stomach knot up for the first time in several years. I cried myself to sleep Sunday night, and again Monday night. I came to the conclusion that I can't keep on with the ups and downs, despite the ups being more frequent than the downs. This down has been the most horrible of my entire life. I have NEVER been in this dark of a place. The only choice I feel like I have is to back away and not see him for awhile, and hope that I can fall back OUT of love with him. I am more miserable than I have ever been in my life. I've been told that I need to move on and focus my energies on someone else. The problem is that there is no one else I want to focus on. Shit, there hadn't been anybody in YEARS that I particularly wanted to focus on, and suddenly he was dropped into my world and lit it up. I don't ever want to hurt like this again, and I just don't know when I might be able to open my heart back up, if it ever does heal from this. Intellectually, I realize that getting through this will be a process. Right now, I am mad as hell because my horrible day at Faire on Sunday has caused me to not want to go to faire this weekend, and is putting a damper on what is usually one of my most fun weekends of the year, the one when I am in the village with my very best friend in the world. I know that the only person responsible for my happiness is me, but I'm having a bit of a hard time thinking about walking around the shire with her and not hearing his voice saying "I don't think I've ever come up this lane before" or "that is really cool". Yeah, I'm in a horrible dark place, and I am going through the motions because I HAVE to drag myself to work and home again, and get stuff done, when I'd rather just hole up in my bed with my cats and feel no pain.

Well now

I had every intention of getting my Opening Weekend blog posted earlier in the week. Obviously that didn't happen, because here we are at Thursday and I'm just now taking the time to even write it. I took about 300 pictures and really wanted to include a few in here, but that didn't happen, either, mostly because I didn't get them edited and sorted yet. Friday I took the day off work to finish getting the car packed, and getting last minute stuff done so as to be a responsible, albeit absent innkeeper because some of my friends are staying at my place each weekend for the duration of Scarby. You are probably wondering why I'm absent. I love my friends, and I love that I can provide them a place to stay, even if I'm not there, however I also love the oh, about an hour and a half to two hours in the parking lot before cannon on faire mornings. I use that time to finish dressing (have you ever tried to lace yourself into that back-lacing bodice without any help? tried driving an hour and a half in that laced, steel-boned bodice, 2.5 lbs of skirt which measures 27 feet around the hemline?) and visit with my friends in the parking lot. In order to do this, from my house, I would have to leave between 6:30 and 7 a.m., and on Saturday nights, anyway, I wouldn't make it home after dinner until nearly midnight. Raevyn at Faire on less than 6 hours of sleep is NOT a pretty sight, I can assure you. Fortunately I have a friend that I can split a motel room with each weekend. It works out better this way anyhow, because there are only 3 or 4 people cycling through the shower at my house, instead of 5 of us. Staying near faire means I can sleep until 6:30 most mornings, and still be on my way to faire by 8, and have plenty of time to get a good parking space and play with my friends for awhile. So I am running around the house, getting sheets changed, trash emptied, etc. I finally finished everything, loaded the last of what I needed to into the car, and was off. I got a later start than I anticipated, but I made it to the motel, got stuff unloaded, changed another friend's room so she could be beside us instead of above us, and headed for the festival to deliver the housekey to one of my guests. I had a tasty little dinner with one of my oldest friends, and his wife... we'll hit 30 years of friendship this fall... holy crap we're old. It was Saturday morning in the wee hours before I was able to go to sleep because my roomie was sewing madly. Saturday morning was beautiful... we truly couldn't have asked for a prettier Opening. Getting passes at the gate didn't appear to be the fustercluck that everyone feared, but I have no idea what the situation inside where the actual passes were being printed was. As we were competing with 2 other festivals within about 3 hours drive, and Nascar race weekend, there weren't as many people as could have been, but it was still a great day. I honestly didn't get to see as much of the faire as I might have liked, but I did manage to see a couple of new vendors and lots of people I hadn't seen in months. I was at every Rogues show (yes, I know this comes as a terrible shock to you, but it's true), but didn't see a single other show. I remember last year, opening weekend totally kicked my ass, I was absolutely exhausted, and my back was killing me. At the time, I blamed the fact that my Pendragon bodice is not as extensively boned in the back as my Morescas are. Yeah, shame on me, it wasn't the bodice, it was the fact that my body is no longer accustomed to the walking and being bodiced up at all, because the same thing happened this year, despite the fact that I wasn't working and walking around a show area selling CDs for 4 shows a day. It was a bit warm by the end of the day, but overall it was an outstanding day. Sunday was about 20 degrees cooler, which means that anytime I wasn't in the sun, I was a wee bit chilled. There were fewer people out on Sunday, probably mostly due to the weather, we had a grand time anyway. I was DONE before cannon, which is a rarity for me, so left to head on home. When I got home, I discovered that perhaps I'm not such a fabulous innkeeper, as I'd left a bag of trash in the hallway. yeah, I suck, I know, but really ya'll is that any reason to leave the cats closed up in the media room? Fortunately they were happy to see me, and hadn't left me any messes in there, so it's all good. I think I'm going to post a note that says "hey, I won't leave a big bag of trash for you to trip on in the hallway if you won't lock my cats up" :) I know that it wasn't done on purpose, and even I have been known to lock one or the other of them in there from time to time. Today is my Friday, and I've got plenty to keep me busy this evening getting ready for this weekend. Hopefully I'll get photos up here in the next day or two...

Final Countdown

YAY! We are finally in the home stretch of the countdown to Opening Weekend at Scarby! Cannon is in 29 hours. In 26 or 27 I'll be in the parking lot greeting friends and getting ready for a lovely day in the shire. I should totally be packing my stuff and getting the house picked up so I can leave at 10:30 this morning to get some errands done before I head down to Waxahachie, but of course I am sitting on my ass, watching the news and blogging instead. I have managed to narrow down what to wear and am leaving all but 2 outfits at home, in an effort to not have quite so many decisions to make when I wake up in the mornings after a late night. I suspect that tonite I’ll be helping my motel roomie work on alterations for a friend’s costuming. Hopefully the changes will be mostly straight seams being sewn so we won’t be up all night. The cats know something’s up, and my sweet boy is sticking very close this morning. The good news is that the house won’t be unattended this weekend for the crazy bitch to get in and steal me blind, because some of my friends are staying here, though I’ll be closer to faire at the motel. I’m also hoping to get some good sunshiny photos of my front yard before I head out, because I’m quite happy with what I had my nephew put in on Sunday. I am going to have to get a better shepherd’s crook for one of my fuchsias though, because the one I’ve got keeps leaning down, and won’t stay upright for some reason. The more time I spend trolling the net looking at plants, the more I want to do with my backyard! I suspect, however, that I need to slow down a bit, lest I bust the bank account. This weekend is also Race Weekend in north Texas. Several people I know are going to various activities out at the speedway, but even if I wasn’t going to faire, I would probably not be heading that way. Traffic makes me crazy, and as much as I like watching on tv, and keep up with where my driver is in the standings, I’m not willing to be driving in that mess. If someone else wants to drive, we can discuss it, but it’s not going to be me behind the wheel. A few years ago I went down to Sundance Square on Friday to get an autograph for a friend’s birthday. I realize that Nascar is considered by many to be a redneck sort of sport, and I find it hugely amusing that it is the only professional sport that openly acknowledges a supreme being, and addresses that being prior to every race with a prayer. I think it’s kind of sad that other professional sports don’t publicly acknowledge faith in any way. I also appreciate the fact that generally, Nascar chooses vocalists that can do the Star Spangled Banner who can actually sing it without mangling it or jazzing it up, or whatever so many of the others I’ve seen at other events are doing. I mean, I get that everybody wants to leave their mark, but come on people, it’s our national anthem, and as a military brat, I have certain expectations with regard to the flag, anthem and other patriotic things/ideas. Among those expectations are basic respect for the flag, which means face it, men should remove their hats, and if you choose not to participate in the pledge or anthem, please just sit or stand quietly. If I am at an event hosted by your country, I will afford your flag and anthem the same respect I offer my own. It annoys the HELL out of me to see or hear people talking or giggling during the anthem. OK, that rant’s over now. I’d better get off my butt and get the sheets in the dryer, clean sheets on the bed, and finish packing so that I stand half a chance of being on the road when I want to be!

Playing Catchup Part 2

Let's take a look at my To Do list before Faire starts on April 4th, in no particular order:

• Make a pattern for wrap pants off the pair I borrowed from a friend 10 months ago
• Sew 2 pairs of wrap pants using above-mentioned pattern
• Make favors using my new stamp and fimo clay
• Sort out the tote full of accessories
• Pack the garb tote for opening weekend after narrowing down what to wear to 3 or 4 outfits to choose from
• Charge camera batteries
• Get the toiletry bag packed for the season

Now, that doesn't even include the sewing I need to do before 3rd weekend, and then that for Final weekend (Memorial Day).

So the weekend after NTIF, when I *should* have been home sewing, or making favors, or sorting garb & accessories, I went to Midland. If you are at all familiar with Texas, you're probably thinking MIDLAND???? Why on earth would anyone go to Midland voluntarily? My best buddy lives about an hour and a half south of there, and one of my favorite pipers' EJ was performing with his band Clandestine at the Scottish-Irish Festival out there, so we decided it would be a grand time for us to get together, giggle, shop, and hear some rockin' Celtic music. I flew out to Midland and Darla & her boyfriend (who shall henceforth be referred to as SFB, I'll let you decide what it means) picked me up at the airport on Friday afternoon and we headed directly to my favorite candle shop The Candle Cafe. I was quite restrained, as I was flying home and didn't have a lot of extra space in the suitcase for candles. I came home with her newest cherry scent, amaretto, and and aspen woods.

We stayed at a motel that I'd booked (and prepaid) online.

Yeah, note to self, NEVER THERE AGAIN. It was a "Suite" yeah, this is the bedroom. There was an 18 inch or so space between the beds. Note the lack of a nightstand... yeah that was in the corner near the foot of the bed on the left. The space between each bed and the wall it was up against was about 3 inches, at best. The closet, which clearly should have had a door, did not, simply because there isn't space for it to open , or if it was open, to close, so they just took it off completely, apparently, it doesn't show in the photo because it's to the right of the bed on the right. These next 2 shots are from the bathroom, which DID have a door, with a locking knob to boot!

Love the peeling wallpaper and water damaged ceiling... scary, when you consider we were on the 2nd floor of a 3 story motel. Clearly they are "remodeling" or something. Especially lovely is the use of MASKING TAPE to tape the seam at the wall & ceiling in the BATHROOM

Yeah, pretty isn't it??

The coffee pot didn't work, which doesn't matter to me, since my coffee is Dr Pepper, but SFB was cranky on Saturday morning. The festival itself was fun. Smaller than NTIF, really probably less than 25% the size of NTIF and maybe half the size of Texas Scottish Festival, but hey, Go Permian Basin for having a Celtic festival! Probably 90% of the vendors I'd seen the previous weekend, but they are awesome vendors, and I found stuff that I either didn't see at NTIF, or caught a glimpse in passing but didn't stop to look, or I looked but left behind for whatever reason. I made some awesome purchases that I'll get a lot of enjoyment and use out of.

We won't go into SFB making a complete ass of himself at dinner at a little Mexican restaurant trying to show off his Spanish skills by talking to the obviously ASIAN waitress in Spanish, and then deciding to publicly proclaim that all of his relationship problems are my fault. Whatfreakingever. Yeah, there's a reason he's SFB!

I flew home Sunday afternoon in time to get to Burleson for dinner with friends after their Pirate Invasion at Weston Gardens, and was still home by 6 to do laundry and start getting ready for the week.

This past weekend I had lunch and time to hang with my friend Erin wandering through Joann's looking for fabrics for later in the season sewing projects. Sunday I went to Benbrook with some Faire Folke for rat pucking practice and visiting. Sunblock Nazi (that would be me) FAILED and I wound up with a bit of sunburn around the top of my forehead and on my arms. Poor Isa's face is peeling already from her burn. Sad thing is, we BOTH had SPF 70 sunblock with us, and just didn't use it! Yeah, epic FAIL for me!

OK that's enough rambling for one night... Gardening posts start tomorrow or Friday....

Up & Down

This has been one of those up and down weeks. I used to have them ALL the freaking time, but in the past couple of months, since I've been uterus-free, they've not only gotten less frequent, they seem to have gotten less severe as well. Of course, it may be that they are still as severe as they ever were, but since I am feeling a little more balanced, the little stuff doesn't bother me as much.

On Sunday I got to visit with my sweet little kitty Molly. She lives with my friends Erin & Tony, but has been jointly claimed by another friend and me. She's not squatting or crouching down, she has really short little legs, sort of like me (well, and Erin for that matter). Erin used to breed and sell designer cats, including dwarves, sphynx, bambino, and others. Molly was born deaf, and therefore became a family pet, rather than a breeding cat. As much as I would love to bring her to my house, it just isn't fair to expect her, as a not young cat (I think she's about 5 or 6), to be moved into a strange house with not one, but 2 senior (both over 10 years old) cats that she doesn't know. Our other friend lives in an apartment and can't afford the additional pet deposit either. So we just love her when we are over there. And she loves us! My kids were all over me, trying to identify the white hair all over my red shirt when I got home!

On the down side, I've been frustrated most of the week because I want something that I can't have. At least right now. It's frustrated me off and on for several months, and I've truly learned more patience than I ever thought I had, but for some reason this week has been especially frustrating. There are one or two things that I could do and possibly rectify at least part of the situation, but I'm too big of a chicken to risk losing what I do have in order to POSSIBLY get what I want. Yep, that's me, covered with feathers and squawking bawkbawkbawk bukawk.

On the up side, only 2 weeks until NTIF, the local Irish Festival, which, at least for me, marks the beginning of the festival season. Most of my piping and drumming friends will be there, with their various bands. Some I've not seen since Dickens on the Strand in December, others its been longer, but either way, I'm looking forward to seeing all of them again.

It's also time to start getting busy with my sewing for Scarborough Faire. I've got several pairs of wrap pants to get made, as well as redoing some of my skirts that I made the first year I was making garb. I was going with EASY, at that point, and so not making panel skirts, or circle skirts. Yeah, 5 or 6 yards of fabric at the hemline is great. That same amount up around my waist, notsomuch.

There will also be SOMETHING using this fabric:

Awful isn't it? I think so too, but once a year something totally awful can be funny, and I assure you, once it's done, it's gonna be funny as hell, and I will post the evide-, umm, I mean pictures.

This weekend I'm hoping to get back to doing some cooking, so I can have better food than a frozen pizza for dinner in the evenings. This means I have to clean out the freezers and see what I've got in there to thaw, and what I've got in there that's just plain too freezer burned to salvage... The fridge got cleaned out last night, I need more veggies now. Darn, gonna have to make a trip to Central Market tonite, oh the horrors!

Once again

I realize just how blessed I am. I was blessed with a beautiful friend for 17 years, and she will live forever in my heart. Someone told me yesterday that his theory is that sometimes when we lose someone we love it is to make room for a new love in our life. I suppose that's one possibility, and I suppose time will tell. I'm not looking for love, necessarily, nor am I looking for another pet. I have some wonderful friends in my world, some old, some not so old, and I won't even go into the whole silver/gold thing... I think most of mine are platinum or something. There's one in particular, we've been acquainted for, oh, about 5 months or so now, but I don't think really became friends until probably sometime in July. I think that this friendship has been the greatest gift of my year so far. I don't know how it will grow and change, but I do know that there's a connection there that is indisputable. A bit of joy is added to my world any time we talk, and I look forward to waking up knowing that we'll be able to have a conversation, whether it is about the hurricane, faire, or just hanging out. It's turning out to be a wonderful friendship, and I'm thankful every day for it, as well as many other friendships. The next 3 weekends I get to spend at faire, some days with the same people, other days without them. Either way, it should be a fabulous few weekends anyway! sleepytime!