BLESSINGS

I've had this post sort of rolling around in my head for several days, yet never quite found the time to sit down and actually work on it. Not that I didn't HAVE the time, I just didn't choose to do it. A week or so before I went back to work, we decided, in the interest of eliminating some of the chaos and allowing everyone to focus a little better, even for short periods of time, that we would no longer eat dinner in the living room, watching television. We've moved our dinners into the dining room, most nights, and it's kind of nice. We all leave our phones turned to silent, and spend that half hour or so with just those of us in the house. It does, however, cut into my computer time in the evenings, as by the time I get home, it's nearly 6, and we try to eat between 6:30 & 7. Then there's that little thing called a J.O.B. which keeps me away from the computer for most of the day, which, actually, is a HUGE blessing.
I know that I have a tendency to allow myself to get bogged down in the negative, and lose sight of the blessings which are present in my world every day.

• I have family members who love me, quirks and all, though we may not always see eye to eye
• I have friends and chosen family who love me, sometimes especially my quirks
• I have a safe roof over my head, and food to eat
• I have a church home that has been a blessing in my life for most of my life
• My commute involves very little traffic, and the traffic report virtually never affects my commute
• My co-workers are good people, and I have the opportunity to really be a part of shaping the office

I am endeavoring to keep my blessings in mind, rather than letting Negative Nelly rear her ugly head again. Next month I get my medical/dental/vision insurance, and will really be able to get back to taking my wellbutrin every day, instead of just on work days.

Scarby 30th Season is history

Another season of Scarby has gone into the history books. Overall, it was a very odd season. No Rogues piping (either in their original form or in another incarnation) on a regular basis. In the 9 years I've been going, at least once a year, I've NEVER been without either The Rogues, or Scottish Mayhem, which was comprised of former Rogues members playing. Shoppes were moved around. Or gone. Acts were moved. Or gone. Somehow the magic was out of whack. At first I thought it might be the absence of bagpipes, but since wherever I went in the shire, even to areas where there weren't usually bagpipes, the energy was different, there's more to it, though I've no idea what it was. Several people who are usually about, either working, or simply adding to the atmosphere along with the rest of us weren't there.
Today was harder than I really anticipated, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that my <3 is still very much in control of what it wants, regardless of what is best for it, or what my brain tries to convince is the best thing for all of us. I finally got around to sharing my frustrations with someone I thought might be 1. Understanding, 2. Supportive, and 3. Helpful in overcoming the issues. I was, actually surprised that my plea was ignored, and once again, I simply don't matter as much as other people do. Eventually I will learn this lesson, and retain the knowledge in some manner that will keep me from getting stomped on regularly. I hope.
Now off to bed, for tomorrow starts much earlier than I am accustomed to starting, and will likely end later than my usual bedtime.

I just don't understand

how anyone manages to get a job in the internet age. I have submitted literally HUNDREDS of resumes and applications. I have had a grand total of, well, let's count them up here, 2 phone interviews, one of which led to an in-person interview, and a whopping 7 in-person interviews, including the one I already mentioned as coming after the phone interview, and counting the 2 I had for a position that was apparently not ever intended to be permanent, though they led me to believe that it was. I have submitted resumes and made phone calls to every reputable staffing/temp agency in the area. Yeah, I actually managed to get in to see ONE of them, now they won't call me back, or answer emails. Even the ones with whom I spoke with a person, I couldn't get an appointment to go in and speak to someone or do performance testing. TX Workforce has told me that I MUST consider positions that pay 25% less than what I was making, which was about 20% below the average according to every salary calculator I can find, INCLUDING THEIR OWN. Frankly, the TX Workforce job board hasn't done SHIT for me, except get me a job for 6 days, which I was led to believe was a PERMANENT position. I have completed my profile as completely as possible, including all of my experience, regardless of whether or not it is in my current field. If I'm lucky, on any given day, I get 3 'MATCHES', and my browse pulls up 75 jobs within a hundred mile radius. The 'matches' are actually jobs that are allegedly within my skill set, however more often than not, instead of an "accounting/billing clerk" they are looking for a CPA. UMM, yeah NOT a match. Or they are 90 miles away. The browse feature pulls up 75 jobs, and guess what? 60 or more of them are VETERANS ONLY. WTF? My profile clearly states that I am NOT a veteran, so why are these included? Take out the ones that are more than 30 miles (and thus over an hours commute by car), and I'm down to maybe 5. Take out the ones that are for legal or medical secretaries, accountants, HR generalists, and other specific administrative support positions, and well, if I'm lucky, there is ONE option left for me to apply for. I have put in applications at the area grocery stores, big box stores, and various other retail outlets. You have NO IDEA how tired I am of hearing "we aren't actually hiring right now, but we'll keep your application on file"! Every time I think I am past being angry about this whole situation, something pops up that has been part of my normalcy, but now it can't be, since I don't have a fucking job, and I can't collect fucking unemployment because someone LIED about how things were handled, and the state believed them! I realize that the anger doesn't hurt anyone except me, and I really am trying to get past it, but a person can only take so much rejection before they start really taking it personally. I realize that it is not my place to judge other people, and that sending negativity out into the world does not do anyting except increase negativity, but sometimes I really hope that what comes around goes around, and those who wronged me will eventually suffer something that leaves them feeling as lost and desperate as I have begun to. I recognize that I have awesome friends who love me and give me all the support that they can, and I am unbelievably grateful for that. I have had to seriously re-evaluate a lot of my relationships this year, and while I have always known that in general, I don't have a lot of friends who are the friend to me that I am to them, admitting to the fact that several of them I've long considered to be relatively equally give/take relationships are really not, no matter what I try to delude myself into believing. Over the weekend, I had my first birthday party in many years. Certainly the first since I've been grown, that wasn't hosted by me. There are 3 of us who have birthdays within 6 days. A large group of us had a plan to go to Middlefaire on Sunday, it's last day of the season. Unfortunately, rains came on Friday and Saturday that turned the parking lot and festival site into a major mud pit, and Saturday evening they decided to cancel Sunday's festivities. Already planned for after faire, was a birthday dinner, hosted by the birthday boy's parents, for the 3 of us. In the end, we spend the day with most of the originally planned group in Weatherford and then went to the dinner party afterwards. God bless MJ, for remembering my food sensitivities and making sure that in addition to her seafood gumbo there were a couple of other soup options, plus chicken salad, fresh fruit, tossed salad, and A-MAZ-ING pimento cheese bread! This coming weekend I would dearly LOVE to be going to TRF for opening, and to see my favorite Bard, Marc Gunn, as I've done for the last couple of years. But OH NO, I got screwed out of my job, and out of unemployment benefits, so I can't justify spending the $ to go, even to ride down with someone else and use a discount ticket. I'm sure I'll have a fine time out at Screams, with the crew up here that's doing that instead of TRF, using a free ticket, but it still makes me angry that I've had to make all the adjustments I've had to make, over some bullshit

12 Weeks & Counting

It's been 12 weeks now that I've been unemployed. In that time, I've put in somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 resumes & applications. I've gotten a whopping 3 interviews, and only gotten feedback on 2 of those. The last time I was unemployed, I started working again after 15 weeks. Several people have commented to me that they had practically nothing for 3 months, then the rush came and they went back to work. I am crossing everything possible for that to be the case. OOH, men in kilts. uhh, I digress, and get distracted by Celtic Thunder. Piper in Gunn tartan... yummy. Last week I had an interview with a staffing agency on Monday. The guy I talked with seemed impressed with my experience, and told me he was sending my resume to a firm that is looking for an Admin with construction jobsite experience, and that the firm wanted to interview that week. By Wednesday I hadn't heard anything, so I called, AND sent an email. I got no response, so I called again on Thursday morning, and was told that my agent was out of the office but would call me when he got in that afternoon. Nothing, so I sent another email that afternoon, and another Friday morning. FINALLY on Friday afternoon I heard back from him, and apparently the company hasn't selected any candidates to interview yet. Patience is NOT my virtue. Now, I've not put all my eggs in one basket, but the bottom line is, this is the only basket that has acknowledged my eggs. I've registered online, AND called to try to make appointments with 10 different staffing agencies, in addition to this one, and this one is the only one that is even acknowledging my existence! I get that there are THOUSANDS of people out there applying for the same positions, but holy shit people, how many of them out there have the specific industry experience that I have? I've read several articles, including one in today's Startlegram about not applying for positions unless you have 75% of the qualifications stated. I have at least that many of them! I have NEVER looked at a position online or in the paper and thought "well, I've never done that, but I COULD, so hey, even though I have none of the experience they are seeking, I'll go ahead and apply". I think even more frustrating to me is the fact that I have submitted resumes for a couple of positions directly to companies that have the position listed on their website, yet I can't get a response to a follow up email or call, AND THE POSITION IS STILL LISTED. Now, I realize that one of those situations, is likely the result of the "good ole boys network", as they are a firm with whom my former employer has done A LOT of business in the last year, and that rather than calling HR, they may have called the person that they knew. I'm also learning who my true friends are throughout this whole thing. I've known forever that in general, I am a better friend than I have, and I came to terms with that a long time ago. It doesn't make it any easier that a significant number of people with whom I used to talk/text/correspond DAILY seem to have vanished into thin air. Now I know that a couple of them have had, or are having in the next week, major surgery. Most of the others, however, I guess have decided that I suck now that I got canned, and am not worthy of their friendship. It annoys me, and it hurts my feelings, especially the ones who have fallen on hard times themselves and always turned to me for support. Obviously my support system is not what I once believed it to be. One of my friends said to me today at church "you have a tendency to draw in needy people", and she's right. I don't know what it is that causes me to do that, but that's pretty much over now. I am not going to be anyone's doormat anymore. On the upside, since I haven't been working, there has been only the occasional raging migraine, as opposed to the weekly occurrences I was enduring. I'm fairly sure that my blood pressure is down, and my ankles stay normal sized these days. In retrospect, the thought did cross my mind a time or two in March and April, that I might ought to scope out some want ads, and see what was out there. Part of it may have been an unconcious thought that perhaps it was time to move on. As much as I like what I do, and as comfortable as I was in that position, the mere fact that there are less than 50 people in all 3 companies that were affiliated, means there was really no growth or advancement opportunity. As cool as it is to work for a small company, and be part of the "family", it is also very easy to stagnate, and get locked in to a road that's going nowhere. My goal now is to turn the negativity around and use this opportunity to find something that will allow me to grow, and actually advance. I'm working on that, in baby steps.

…know that just because You are their friend, doesn’t mean THEY are yours

That is my addition to the adage "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."

There are a lot of things that I will put up with, but being lied to is not one of them. Standing in front of me when I tell you something and acting as if you are utterly astounded to hear it, when you were fully aware that it was happening, and did, in fact, add to the situation, is LYING TO ME! Truthfully, I thought when that little lie was exposed, that perhaps your involvement and frankly, SUPPORT of the situation was an act of self-preservation, and I was willing to overlook it. Unfortunately, I have learned a hard lesson out of this whole fiasco, and that is to remember that just because I count someone among my friends, I shouldn't expect to be able to trust them and count on them if there is a crisis. Twice in the last year, I have done something to help someone (2 different people), which directly impacted my world, on a daily basis. Twice now my friendship and help has been repaid by deceit. We all know the story of the roomie from hell back at the beginning of the year. The second incident I won't go into details about, but will say that if I knew something that was going to cost someone who had been a good friend to me dearly, I would be talking to them about it, to be sure they were aware of the situation, before it turned their world upside down. And I would certainly NOT let it go on for 6 months, while they were oblivious to it.

Yeah, I'm MAD AS HELL about this, and I'm having to carefully take stock of the relationships in my world, to be sure I don't get shafted again.

I GIVE UP

GREAT! I spent 1/2 hour typing and venting and getting some stuff out, and then it all fucking vanishes! I thought I was ready to go to dinner tonite, but I was wrong. I just can’t go and act like nothing is amiss. I’ve returned what wasn’t mine, done what I said I would do, and now I can take a breather, maybe. It makes me sick that I allowed myself to get sucked in repeatedly into believing what I wanted to believe was true, when it obviously wasn’t. I spent a lot of years learning to love myself and be happy and content with the person I’ve become, as well as coming to believe that I am a good and lovable person, worthy of loving and being loved by a special man. I’m not perfect. I’m not looking for perfect. I wasn’t even looking at all, actually when it happened, and I allowed myself to be convinced that what I wanted to see was what was real. Apparently I’m the only person it was real to, because when my “friend” was told that something had hurt me, deeply, and left me with a broken heart, said friend appears to not give a shit about how I’m feeling, and doesn’t particularly care about helping me find my way out of the hole in which I find myself. Sure, I said I thought I needed some time and space to fall back out of love, and I was told that I would have it, and then I made the first move to re-open some communication. I’ve learned that I’m not ready to do that. Especially since the communication is stilted and uncomfortable for the most part, and it totally ignores the problem. All I want is to love and be loved, and share my life with a good man, but apparently I don’t get to do that. I’ll just go into my hole now.