Letter

I could just write this and not post it, but I'm kind of hoping that actually writing it will be cathartic, and probably on some level, that perhaps it might be read by the one to whom it is addressed, though I figure that's pretty unlikely. I have spent months trying to convince my heart to just give it up. I've come up with all sorts of reasons defending you and your inability or unwillingness to just come clean about the real reason you "don't have an interest in dating anybody right now." It's been 10 months since you told me that. I have spent time beating myself up about why I am not good enough to be loved by you. Why I am not good enough to be half as important to you as any of your other friends. I've been sucked in, repeatedly, by your desire to be in electronic contact every morning and evening, and allowed myself to believe that it meant you gave a damn about me, and that it might eventually lead to you caring as much about me as I care about you. Instead of listening to my brain that kept saying "don't be an idiot, he's not ever going to give a shit about you. If he really gave a flying fuck about you, he would actually TALK to you, instead of just IM or text" No, I had to listen to my heart that kept trying to convince me otherwise. And my friends who, much as they love me and thought they were doing the right thing, kept encouraging me to read things the way I WANTED them to be. I see now that I've wasted the last 10 months deluding myself, and that it has nothing to do with me, and it has nothing to do with you needing to deal with demons from your past. Your heart belongs to someone else, who is, I suspect, as unavailable to you as you are to me, though since you don't ever actually talk to me, I don't know the whole story. I would say that I don't care what the story is, but that's a lie, mostly because I hate not knowing what's going on, even if what's going on makes me sick at my stomach, as it did that Sunday in May. I am sure that there are those, probably you included, who will say "he told you months ago where he stood, he's been open and honest about that." That's all well and good, but you know what, the only men other than co-workers that I have been in contact with on a semi-scheduled basis have been those with whom I was involved in a romantic relationship. My "just friends" guy friends and I talk a few times a week, at best, certainly not twice a day, or more. It seemed important to you to say goodnight each night. I know I've been an idiot about this whole thing, and I hope that I've learned my lesson. Don't worry, I'll leave you alone. You won't have to worry about greeting me or including me in the conversation anymore. I'll find other things to do with my time than spend it with our friends when you are spending time with them.

That's what I get for thinking

I truly thought that by now I might be having an easier time dealing with what I've come to see as rejection, though I know it's not. The end of faire is always hard for me, but this year it seems that it's been about a thousand times worse. Part of the problem is my unemployment, I know. The bigger part of the problem is that I'm sort of relieved that faire is over, which has never happened to me before, and that little bit I blame on my own stupidity. This time last year, I was a bit bummed, but not truly depressed. I had a great circle of friends that I truly enjoy hanging out with and things seemed to be moving along smoothly. Then came the end of July, and I just HAD to listen to people that I probably should have not listened to. I let myself be talked into putting my heart on the line and opening it back up. That in itself is not a bad thing. The bad part is that the one I opened it up to was not ready to reciprocate, but being the idiot that I am, I ignored his words and some of his actions, and instead focused on other actions, and what I and other people (mis)interpreted those actions to mean. Yeah, all along, my brain would say "HEY STUPID! GIVE IT UP, IT AIN'T HAPPENING BECAUSE YOU AREN'T WORTH IT" and my heart would argue "But, maybe you are worth it. There's nobody else in the picture, go for it. He's not running away". Being the Libra that I am, I listened to my heart instead of my head, and now here I sit, lonely and miserable. And that pisses me the hell off. It pisses me off at me, at him, at everyone who said what they thought I wanted to hear "oh, he likes you, he's just scared." I was FINE with who I am, on my own, and really had reached a point that not having that special someone in my life who thinks I'm awesome and wants to be with me no longer consumed my every thought. I suppose that part of the reason I was ok with it is that I had closed my heart off. I've lost relationships before, and sure I was sad for awhile, but never did it make me sick, literally. All I can do is take it one day at a time, and try to work my way through it, despite the heartache. I'm not the center of anyone's world except mine, and I understand that. I suppose that I just need decide that it's ok that I don't talk to people when I expect to, and that it's not anything that I've done wrong, or that is wrong with me, no matter what my brain says. In other news, have you ever noticed random things in someone's basket at the store and wondered just what the hell they are planning to do with that? This afternoon I stopped to get some ground meat and buns so I could make burgers. The woman behind me had 10 items in her basket... 6 packs of Juicy Fruit gum (and she had to go to 2 different check stands to collect those 6 packs) and 4 cans of women's shaving foam or gel. Not one other item. Maybe there's going to be a gumchewing, leg-shaving party at her house???

Weekend #3

This has been a hard weekend for me. My identical twin, AKA Darla came in for faire. This is a weekend that we both look forward to, beginning at cannon on Sunday night when we hit the parking lot to go back to my house so she can head home the following day. As a result of last weekend's trip, I have had to work pretty hard to get the enthusiasm back for us to enjoy our magic. I'm still frustrated about that whole situation, and it's something that I'm going to have to work through, and hope that it turns out well. This time around, the baby stayed home with Daddy for a couple of reasons. 1. big brother had 2 doctors' appointments today and we really didn't need to have to try and corral the baby as well; 2. who wants to corral the toddler at faire, since he won't stay in his stroller or a wagon; 3. Daddy said "he can stay home with me, we'll have a good time". Our days were pretty good, because the big boy had the phone with him, so we didn't get 47 phone calls, as we often do. The evenings, on the other hand, rather than being enjoyable, post faire dinners among friends, have been stressful and annoying because the asshole just HAD to call and prove his dickheadedness. Friday night he was mad because we were out to dinner with a 3 people we know and love that come up from Houston & Galveston, instead of sitting in the motel eating takeout and waiting for him to be good and drunk so he could call her. Saturday night, he was angry because after spending nearly 30 minutes on the phone with him outside the restaurant, she wanted to come in and eat with the rest of us (17 plus me, I think), and THEN when he called 4 more times in the 40 minutes she was inside eating and visiting, she couldn't hear him to talk to him, so he called again as soon as we got out the door & were driving through to get our friend who couldn't make it to dinner with the group something to eat. Yeah, it was UGLY. Last night he finally gave up after about an hour of back & forth bullshit. Today it has been off and on all day, because, well, DAMN, we have to actually be off the phone with him while we are talking to the doctor. Tonight he is pissed off because he doesn't understand why she's mad at him for calling her a bad mother since she needed to actually do something for her work by a specific time, so "no thank you, don't try to make the baby talk to me on the phone, since he's not wanted to talk to me for the last 3 days". Oh holy shit! Yeah, there may be a trip to the sticks in my future for packing and helping to move. In other news, I've had absolutely no response to what I had to do on Thursday night, in an effort to get my heart back, though I've had a bit of feedback. I'm still heartbroken, and in all honesty, it has been literally 8 months since I went this long with no contact, and it is harder than I EVER imagined, but it has to be done. Oh, and on Wednesday, as I was on my way home. I had a small accident, with a little over $4K of damage to my car. Nobody was hurt, and I don't think the truck I hit has nearly the damage that I sustained, but we'll see. Fortunately, my insurance was already renewed for 6 months, so I won't have an increased premium until October. Ok, I think I've done enough rambling and venting, and my alarm will go off in about 6 hours, so I've got to go to bed!