Miracles

On this night, 8 years ago, I didn't get much sleep. My house was full of guests… my Bestie, our #1 boy, and Bestie's honey had come in from points west. The boy and the honey had already gone to bed. Bestie & me, yeah, notsomuch. We were fretting over the next day's schedule. We would be leaving the house in Arlington at some ungodly hour in the morning to drive to UT Southwest Medical Center, where we would spend much of our day. If all went well with the surgery, in a few weeks, the kiddo who had never heard much of anything with any real clarity, and had, gradually, lost more and more hearing, even with the best available hearing aids, would be able to hear better than he ever had before. I've had neurosurgery. I survived. I'm normal not THAT weird (and really, my weirdness has more to do with my hobbies & interests than it does my brain damage). I think what terrified Bestie the most was the fact that if, for some reason, there was more damage than anticipated to his right ear, once that hole was poked, there's no going back, hearing aids would never work again, and our boy would forever be in a silent world. He was having Cochlear Implant surgery. There was a great deal of drama in the waiting room, because of the mix of people present: Mom, Aunt, Grandpa, Dad, OtherMother (me), and Mom's honey. I honestly don't remember how long we were in the waiting room, but I realize that it was probably not as long as it seemed to be. After surgery, and awhile in the recovery room, we were allowed to take him home. We got back to Arlington, had a bit of dinner, and settled down for the evening. The only tv in the house with closed captioning had been arranged in front of the couch where our boy was sleeping & he was watching whatever movies struck his fancy. Bestie went in to check on him, and I could hear her talking to him… we'd done sign & speech pretty much since his deafness was diagnosed at 2.5 yrs old, and him talking back. It was a bit hard to understand him, since his speech had always been a bit more muddled when he couldn't hear himself, but I listened carefully to see what he had to say. Bestie was awful fretful about the success of the surgery and the possibility of eternal silence. Our boy looked at her and said "Mom, it's OK. When I was a little kid (says the 11 year old), God told me he made me deaf for a reason, and that someday, something would happen and I wouldn't be deaf anymore, so I know it will be fine." Well, obviously both of his mother's bawled like big ole babies over that little revelation! At any rate, January 31, 2003 was the beginning of an amazing miracle. I didn't sleep that Thursday night 8 years ago, but tonight I'll sleep knowing that tomorrow's a day for celebration.

2011

I have never been one to make resolutions, in no small part because I have a terrible case of A.D. Oooh, SHINEY, and I sometimes have trouble following through on goals I set for myself when they have no bearing on anyone except myself. Yep, I know that the only person who suffers for this is me. That being said, I recognize that the time has come for me to stop punishing myself, and actually follow through on some of my goals. I am setting small ones, that I am fairly certain I can achieve and turn into good habits, which will ultimately benefit my physical health, as well as my spiritual & emotional well-being.

1. Take my vitamins. Daily. – Getting them out of the closet, where I will see them every day will help with this task
2. Eat better, more balanced meals. – I've started this already, having a protein shake for breakfast this morning, and a healthy dinner (let's not talk about my lunch today at a local fast food restaurant) I am trying to keep track of my progress over on my weight loss blog, but no guarantees on that yet.
3. Get proper sleep, EVERY night. A few days ago, I made sure when I was in Arlington, to get by Deep Woods Apothecary, where I picked up, among other things, some of their Serenitea. Night before last it wasn't a fabulous solution to my sleep issues, but Li'lcat was utterly insistent on being in my face, waking me up. Last night, however, I slept like a dream.
4. Spend 10 minutes a day of quiet time… no music, no computer, no cats, no driving, no other distractions.
5. Spend 30 minutes a day reading a book. I used to LOVE to read, and did so voraciously. I'm not sure what happened to that in the last few years. I am definitely a bibliophile, my book collection is outrageous, especially considering the space I have to devote to it at this time, and I am not going to purchase any new books until I finish reading the ones I've already got collecting dust. For me, this is going to mean turning off the television
6. Move more. I'm doing a little research to try and find a nearby yoga or bellydance studio. As much as I wish I could go back to Isis, I just can't justify the 90 minute drive, even once a week.

2010 was a rough year all the way 'round. The saying that what you are doing at the beginning of the year will set the tone for what you will do throughout the year seems to have been only partially true, as I was unemployed, but only spent about ½ the year in that state. I learned a great deal about myself over the course of that year, good things and some not so good things, but in the end, I have a clearer vision of what really matters to me, and what I'm willing to do to accomplish those things. I am blessed in more ways than I can count, with blood kin as well as my chosen family of friends. We don't always get along or see things the same way, but we can agree to disagree and enjoy more those things on which we can agree. 

2011 promises to be a new adventure, a path unseen, yet somehow familiar & comfortable, with God & family (birth & chosen) along the way to share the joys and the sorrows as they present themselves.

OWN IT

OK, it's been a month or so since I last posted, and while there's been some fun stuff in the interim, which I'll write a little more about later, I've mostly been working and getting my system adjusted to the routine of working 5 days a week, and sandwiching some fun in between.
I LOVE my job. Most of the people I work with are great, and the drama seems to stay to a minimum, which is always good. There are new opportunities on the horizon for me, having proven some of my abilities from very early on. Things are still a little up in the air, as policies are established and enacted, and there's been a bit of a power tussle going on, but I'm staying out of it, doing my work, and keeping my nose clean.
I've recently met someone, with whom I have regular contact, who we will call WB (WhineBag). WB is quite possibly the nuttiest individual I have ever met! OCD from HELL, persnickety, morbidly obese, and a religious zealot to boot. The first time I met WB, something happened (I don't remember what) that caused me to think (and say) "oh my God". I heard a prissy little voice say "Please don't take the name of MY Lord in vain!" (OMG garners the same response) *note to self: just don't say things around WB that are not TO WB* WB's OCD tendencies are, as I understand it, minimized by medication… I totally cannot even begin to imagine how bad they would be without it. Her grocery lists are computer documents, arranged in the order of the arrangement of the stores. Don't ask me why I needed to know that all of her clothing matches EVERY DAY, including her undergarments (because her mother made her wear matching undergarments when she was a child), but apparently, she believes that I do need this information. WB has had weight loss surgery, which had to be modified due to an issue with her band (because she had to lift weight above her post-surgery limit several years after her surgery, since her "ex- left all of his shit at the house when he left" and she had to help friends move it), so she has gained back all of the weight she lost. Her arm hurts all the time "because the desk is too high". She has breathing problems, "only at work because there's probably black mold in the walls". She didn't get home one night until 9:30 because when she left work (around 5:30) & went to WalMart, her mom was sitting there waiting on her (and had been since 4:30) to start the grocery shopping.
One of these days I'm going to point out to her that she needs to OWN her issues:

1. Oh My God is NOT a swear word. Since you are not in my brain, you need to stop assuming what I mean by OMG, which, more often than not is Oh My GOODNESS!
2. You are nearly 40, and your mother is still dressing you??? Unless that's the case (and THAT is a whole other rant), YOU are the one who is insisting that you match your underwear, and frankly, the rest of the world does not even give a damn!
3. I have heard the weight loss story 3 times now, and the next time I hear it, I think I'm going to interrupt you and point out that YOU are the one who chose to revert to your old eating habits, instead of continuing the plan you were on with the band filled. Your obesity is on YOU, NOT YOUR EX.
4. Sure the desk is taller than is ideal for you, however YOU have the power to get a smaller mouse that fits your hand better, and since it's wireless, YOU can choose where you place it, perhaps on your drawer on a daily basis, instead of just once a week when someone gets tired of your whining and tells you to do it.
5. There may be black mold in the walls, despite NO EVIDENCE, but your breathing troubles are more likely related to YOUR OBESITY… you huff & puff walking 10 feet from your car to the door, therefore your assertion that you breathe fine until you've been in the office for a little while is an invalid argument.
6. Over 3 hours shopping in Walmart? Seriously? That is RIDICULOUS, ESPECIALLY with your handydandy OCD shopping list arranged to correspond with the layout of the store! YOU allow your mother to take advantage of you if you let her keep you in the store for that long on a work night.

I am not perfect, and God knows that I haven't always owned my mistakes and issues, but you know what, I DO OWN THEM. I made poor choices, especially in the last 2 years or so, which have landed me where I am today.
I blew my inheritance. EVERY PENNY, with the exception of my LASIK & paying off my student loans a couple of years ago. I have NOTHING to show for it. I DID IT. Nobody else. It's all on me. I SUCK at managing my own $. I always have, but I'm working on it, one week at a time.
I got cocky in a job. Oh, not outwardly cocky. Maybe complacent is a better word. It never occurred to me that my performance was a problem, I thought I was keeping up pretty well, but, apparently, such is a problem of 2 different offices, with poor communication. In the end, I've wound up in what is really a better situation, and emotionally a healthier environment for me.
I'm a fat ass. Yeah, technically, I am morbidly obese, but I don't look perpetually pregnant, and I can walk a pretty good distance and a reasonable pace without huffing and puffing. I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN. Sure, I am of the whole "clean your plate because there are starving children in Africa" generation, but it has been a good many years since I was required by my mother to clean my plate. The bottom line is that there are a LOT of foods that I am just not willing to give up eating in order to change my size. Again, it's all on me.
I am a packrat. I keep EVERYTHING… I learned this habit from my mother, who also kept everything. I KNOW that I don't have to keep everything, and I know that I should figure out how to keep my private space more organized and less cluttered. I'm working on it, though not very hard, because there are other things, generally more fun, that I would rather be doing. Yeah, I could go on and on about how because when we were small, we had a housekeeper who came in several times a week, I didn't have to learn to clean. I could point out the fact that I have been told more than once by one of my great-aunts, "Honey, your mama never learned to clean properly, so she couldn't have taught you." (both of my grandparents taught school while my mother was growing up, and thus afforded a housekeeper to keep the major cleaning done, as well as some of the cooking). The bottom line is that I am more than 40 years old, and I do know how to clean, however I CHOOSE not to do much heavy cleaning, and only the light cleaning that I HAVE to.
Sure, I bitch & complain a bit, but I truly try to not WHINE, and I try not to bitch day in and day out about the same damned thing, OVER AND OVER AND OVER! Nor do I bitch about unchanging things I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE!
That's the end of my rant for today, time to get a few things done for work…

Busy Busy

I had really hoped that before now I would be in the swing of my work schedule, and be able to set aside some time each day to do a little writing, and have been trying to keep track of the random funny and odd things that occur along my drive to/from work, or as I'm out and about. (prime examples being the dead tree full of vultures I saw on the way in one day last week, and Thursday's unfortunate vision of a 350 lb man who does get kudos for actually doing some exercise, but subjected morning commuters to the view of his enormous, glowing white belly as he used his shirt to wipe his face) Unfortunately, I've not gotten there yet. It's been a busy couple of weeks.
Last weekend I had to get up early on Saturday and head to Arlington in order to get my car inspected (it was, by then 11 days past due). I had to go there, because, well, Don's Total Car Care has been taking care of my vehicles for about 10 years now, and I suspected a couple of things that might be a problem, but I wasn't sure. I know that Don will be honest with me, and work with me on expensive repairs, should they be required. Fortunately, they were not, and I was on my way to Grapevine before 9, so I could pick up a Survivor Joe bracelet as a Christmas gift. Sure, I could buy it online, but it would cost me an extra $5 PLUS shipping, so I spent a couple of bucks in gas and picked one up. Lunch at Friday's with friends, for the first time in months was both yummy and entertaining.
Wednesday I got to have dinner with some of the usual Wednesday Dinner Crew, again, for the first time in MONTHS. Genghis Grill, oh how I have missed you!
The big excitement for the week has been the addition of Li'lcat to our family. 

He is one of 3 living Dwelf cats in the world. As he is haired, and breed standard is hairless, he is, obviously, a non-standard Dwelf, but he doesn't know that, he just knows he's cute, loveable, loved, and a snugglebug! His presence continues to drive Girlcat & Boycat crazy, but they are adjusting. For several days they lashed out at Shortcat as well. I suspect that what they said to her went something like this: "Mollie, you little shrimp, he is short, like you, this MUST be ALL YOUR FAULT! What were you thinking getting Mom to bring ANOTHER one in here? Are you NUTS? We were just fine, the 3 of us and her, but NOOOO, YOU had to have another shrimp in here didn't you?!" Ultimately, I suspect largely out of self-preservation, shortcat also took a swat and a few hisses at the li'lcat as well, though she's definitely the first one to chill out over his presence. I suspect that he may not be staying too much longer, but we'll see what happens in the coming days. His former owner may decide that she didn't really want to give him up to begin with. As much as I love him, a week later he STILL doesn't follow the rules, and decides about 30 minutes before the alarm that he needs to speak with me, IMMEDIATELY.
Last weekend I learned to crochet, basically, a potholder. For years I've been able to make long chains, but not connect them together, so I'm pretty pleased with this development. I have no idea what I'll wind up making, but for now I'm just making a long ole, scarfish sort of item, so I can get my hands accustomed to the rhythm of it. Eventually I will learn to read a pattern and make an afghan, or hats, or something.
For now, it's off to bed with the 3 cats that actually will sleep in the bed with me, and perhaps the 4^th will decide that she can, indeed, be in her corner of the bed with li'lcat on the other side, away from her.

BLESSINGS

I've had this post sort of rolling around in my head for several days, yet never quite found the time to sit down and actually work on it. Not that I didn't HAVE the time, I just didn't choose to do it. A week or so before I went back to work, we decided, in the interest of eliminating some of the chaos and allowing everyone to focus a little better, even for short periods of time, that we would no longer eat dinner in the living room, watching television. We've moved our dinners into the dining room, most nights, and it's kind of nice. We all leave our phones turned to silent, and spend that half hour or so with just those of us in the house. It does, however, cut into my computer time in the evenings, as by the time I get home, it's nearly 6, and we try to eat between 6:30 & 7. Then there's that little thing called a J.O.B. which keeps me away from the computer for most of the day, which, actually, is a HUGE blessing.
I know that I have a tendency to allow myself to get bogged down in the negative, and lose sight of the blessings which are present in my world every day.

• I have family members who love me, quirks and all, though we may not always see eye to eye
• I have friends and chosen family who love me, sometimes especially my quirks
• I have a safe roof over my head, and food to eat
• I have a church home that has been a blessing in my life for most of my life
• My commute involves very little traffic, and the traffic report virtually never affects my commute
• My co-workers are good people, and I have the opportunity to really be a part of shaping the office

I am endeavoring to keep my blessings in mind, rather than letting Negative Nelly rear her ugly head again. Next month I get my medical/dental/vision insurance, and will really be able to get back to taking my wellbutrin every day, instead of just on work days.

Looking Forward

Tomorrow I start my first FULL week of work in 4 months. It will be broken up by a couple of appointments, one set prior to even interviewing for the job, and the other the result of Friday's appointment with Texas Workforce. On Tuesday, I expect to lose 2-2.5 hours, hopefully not more than that, and since I'll only take a 30 minute lunch tomorrow, Weds & Friday, that will make up an hour and a half of it. Thursday I expect to lose another hour, which, after taking only a 30 minute lunch will work out to only losing about half an hour. I am also going to see if I can go in about ½ hour early every day after tomorrow, which should more than make up for my lost time.

This afternoon I took a dear friend shopping so she could get a few things for her upcoming trip to PA and a visit to her children & grandchildren. I have avoided the mall for so long that I'd forgotten what a nightmare it can be! Too many kids (and adults) with no respect for anyone, including themselves it seems. We had to use a regular dressing room because the handicapped stall was occupied. Once my friend was settled into a regular room, which, thankfully (and Kudos to JCPenney for providing them) was large enough to accommodate her power wheelchair and give her space to try on what she needed to try on, I saw 2 women, who appeared to be mother & daughter, and 2 kids, around 9 or so, come out of the handicapped stall and meet up with a man who was waiting outside the dressing room area. SERIOUSLY??? You are all 4 able-bodied. Only one of the adults was carrying anything that appeared to have been tried on, the other woman and the 2 kids were empty-handed. I would say JCP, you need to mark your larger, handicapped stalls as such, because clearly, based on the traffic I saw entering and leaving the stall over the 45 minutes or so I was waiting for my friend, there are some seriously either STUPID, INCONSIDERATE people out there. Since there was space in the regular stall for my friend in her chair, the 18x18 stool, and my fat ass, with enough room for me to move around and help her as needed, you dopes can certainly fit 2 slim women into one, since only one of you is trying anything on. Also, please note that there is a nice couch in the dressing room area, where your friend/mother/sister can park herself and your 2 children, so that someone who REALLY needs the space has access to it. I would also like to give Kudos to JCP for having plus sized mannequins in their Women's department as well. Granted they aren't as plus sized as I am, but they are definitely somewhere in the neighborhood of a 14 or 16, instead of a size 6 that has a size 14 outfit on and all tugged and pulled to give the appearance of "fit", which does not actually show the true fit on a plus-sized gal!

In other news, I think it's time for a haircut. It's longer now than it's been since about 1977 or 78. It's lovely, but it's starting to get on my nerves. I know that I want it long, but I have no idea what I want to do with it, and I do know that the longest layers are about 2 inches too long and keep getting caught in my shirts and under my arms. Perhaps over the holiday weekend I'll find an inexpensive place to have it cut… if I can find the cut I want. The last time it was cut was May of last year, so it's gotten quite long. I've also started having some almost hive or rashy discomfort on the back of the right side of my neck and my right shoulder. It's that sharpish stinging sensation sometimes caused by freshly cut coarse hairs. Typically for me it signals the possibility of a fibro flair, but I suspect that this time around it may be a reaction to the mousse I've been using when I scrunch it and let it be wavy, so I'm going back to straight with the shine serum and will see if that alleviates the problem.

Now off to bed with the kitties, 6 comes early these days

Busy Bee

So, as I mentioned on Tuesday, I have a new job! It's a larger than my last, and slightly smaller than my job before last (well the long-term ones, anyway). The people seem very nice, and while yesterday was pretty uneventful, and actually bordered on boring, today I felt like I actually accomplished something. It wasn't a whole lot, but until my desk is available, I'm sort of at a disadvantage because there's nowhere really to train me on the phone system. Tomorrow, however, that should be rectified, and I'll start really doing my job. Well, at least until I have to leave at 1:15 to go to TWC and talk to them about the school program I am trying to get funded for. Which reminds, me, I need to make sure I take that stuff with me tomorrow morning when I leave. I honestly don't know if I'm still going to be qualified, but the fact that I've taken nearly a 40% pay cut over what I was making last year at MFLD, and what my experience is worth in the field, I am hopeful that I'll still qualify. The bottom line is, at my current scale, I will NEVER be able to get my own place again, and get by without government assistance, and that's without paying any part of health insurance premiums. The statement was made, by the lady who told us about this school funding program, that TWC wants us to get the schooling we need to be self-supporting, which, at this scale, I cannot be. We'll see what they say tomorrow.

I am still adjusting my brain and my body (and my cats) to the new schedule, which, while it's kind of a pain, it is not NEARLY the pain that the last one was (getting up and leaving the house by 6:15 to be at work by 7, and not getting home until 6:30 in the evenings). I think this weekend I'll be doing some more reorganization of my room, and trying to locate some of my desk stuff. I can put my hands on my notary stamp and book, but I've no idea where my awesome sword letter opener is, and my photo frame needs repair, so I'm nottaking that up right now either, but I've got a few little things, my nameplate and such that I tend to have on my desk and need to locate. Fortunately, the commute is about 35 minutes in the morning and about 40-45 in the evenings, which isn't too bad. Most of it is country roads, so traffic is fairly limited for much of the drive.

I think that's about it for now, brain is tired, and so are eyes from counting stuff today. Have a good night ya'll!